We Can Do This
by Lastavica
Summary: Tony and Michelle post prison. Just life. Pain, Struggle, Love, Overcoming, Hard earned joy...
1. Into

_Intro:_

Jack was standing in the corner of the room when Tony came in. A guard closed the door and locked it behind him.

When Tony saw Jack he immediately rolled his eyes.

"So they'll f**king let me touch _you_ but not my wife. Great." He said flatly.

Jack smiled. Same old smart a*s.

"Hey Tony."

"Jack." Tony said with a flicker of a smile. Jack came up and put his hand on his shoulder, about to hug him, but Tony flinched. Jack let go and rebounded by pulling a seat out for Tony.

He sat. Jack went and sat across the table from him.

"How are you, Tony?"

"Been better. How's Michelle?"

Jack saw the dodge.

"She's good, Tony. You don't have to worry."

A look of relief briefly crossed Tony's face.

"Good" was all he said.

There ensued an awkward silence. Tony kept his eyes on table, and Jack kept his eyes on Tony.

Finally Jack had enough of the game.

"Tony." He asked him straight up "What've they been doing to you?"

Tony's looked up at Jack. There was fear in his eyes, but Jack responded to it as if it was just surprise. He wouldn't tell Tony his suspicions, but let him reveal what he would.

"Come on Tony! I can tell the difference between an unhappy, tense prisoner and an abused one."

Tony's mouth tightened. "What the f**k does it matter Jack?"

"I'm your friend Tony."

Tony couldn't argue with that. As much as he wanted to, he could not tell Jack to f**k off. He deserved better. Jack had been a real friend to him. Tony bit back the bile and venom and tried to calm his rising tension.

"Tony, look at me." Jack said gently.

Tony reluctantly looked him in the eye.

"What?"

"How many times have they beaten you?"

Jack saw how his shoulders tense up even more.

"I don't know, Jack! I don't keep count." He snapped. "And don't you f**king tell Michelle about it." He said in the gravest tone.

"I won't." Jack assured him and then asked, "Guards or prisoners?"

"For what?" Tony answered, caught off guard. Then, he realized what he'd just said and hoped Jack hadn't noticed. Unfortunately Jack always noticed everything.

"The beatings." Jack said cautiously, eying Tony.

"Oh." He said quietly. "...Guards. ...they must get a buzz from kicking the shit out of the traitor" He finished bitterly.

"...and the prisoners?" Jack ventured.

Tony's eyes darkened. Jack saw it and his heart fell. Tony knew that Jack saw right through him.

"Don't worry about it, Jack." Tony manage to spit out.

Jack felt something in his heart that he'd never felt before. He took his que and rose to leave. Tony kept his eyes focused on the table as Jack walked to the door.

Jack knocked on the door and just before the door opened he said "Palmer will pardon you, Tony."

Tony did not respond and Jack left.


	2. Chapter 1

His eyes followed her as she readied herself for work. She did not see that he was now awake and watching her. That was ok. He didn't want her to.

Back and forth she moved. Putting on earrings, opening a drawer. Into the bathroom and out again.

As he lay there something dark began to pool in the bottom of his heart. For her, everything was the same as it always had been. Yet, he would get out of bed a traitor, an undesirable. And he did it for her. He did love her. Letting her die was never even an option.

So what was it?

He watched her pull on one shoe, then the other.

She didn't really know that the sacrifice was more than just his freedom. The cost was his self respect. He found himself angry at Michelle, because she didn't know. Jack had said to him once; "Michelle will listen. She wants to know."

_What did Jack know?_ He thought bitterly.

Seeing that she was ready, Tony immediately closed his eyes. He could feel her kiss him. He heard her leave and her car drive off. He was alone.


	3. Chapter 2

Tony had spent most of the day on the computer searching for jobs and staring despondently at applications. _Have you ever been convicted or a crime or felony?_ He was finally driven off the computer by frustration. Nobody would ever give an interview. It was hopeless. He took a beer from the fridge and went to out to sit on the back porch. It was nice to sit outside. Since his release, he took most opportunities to be outside 4 walls. Sipping his beer, he let his mind wander. Soon, as it did each time he was alone and not busy, it wandered to a place he hated. 6 months in federal prison. Hopelessness and shame began to creep all over him until he felt entirely overwhelmed. Without hesitation Tony stood up, went in to get his wallet and walked down the street. A cluster of shops was within a mile from their house and he returned home with a bottle of whiskey. His hands were almost shaking when he sat down on the couch.

Tony took a few sips.

_None of it matters. It's over. None of it matters. It'll go away. It'll go away._

Soon he started to feel a little better and then all feeling started to fade.

Just what he wanted.

When Michelle came from work that night, she called out to Tony like always. He did not respond. Michelle didn't worry, but did wonder where he was. She came into the kitchen. "Tony?" There was no answer.

In the living room she found Tony unconscious on the couch and reeking of alcohol. A bottle of whiskey was spilled on the carpet. She didn't know how much was on the floor and how much Tony had consumed, but obviously enough. Unexpectedly Michelle felt so disturbed that she went to their room and cried for a while. Finally her tears subsided. Her head felt clearer and she was resolute. This was a first step and this is where it stopped.

When Tony finally awoke the next morning his head was aching terribly. He looked up, suddenly noticing his wife seated in a chair about a foot away with an empty bottle of whiskey in her hands.

"This..." she said holding up the bottle.

Her voice was firm but gentle and deadly serious.

"is not going to happen." A tear slipped from her eye and fell down her cheek.

Tony just looked at her.

"If you have shit going on inside. If you feel like shit. I don't care how bad it is, this is not what you will do. If you don't feel you can talk to me, then go call Jack. Do something! But do not do this. I love you and I will not let you go down that road. I will do everything I can to make sure you don't. I love you and I am here and I need my husband. Talk to me. Talk to Jack. Or find a way to cope, but not this."

She got up and kissed him on the cheek. "Get up and go shower." And with that she left the room.

Tony sat stunned.

She needed him. He found that hard to believe, though he knew it was true. Why couldn't that stick?

After he showered Tony informed her that he was going to Jack's. It was Saturday. She had no objections. Although she would have liked to spend time with him, she let him go.

"Jack?"

"Hey Tony"

"Are you home?"

"Almost. I was at breakfast with Kim. I'll probably be back in 10 minutes. What's up?"

"Are you gonna be around? I'd like to come over."

"Yeah. Head over. I'll be there."

"Alright. I'll see ya."

When Jack arrived home, Tony had already beat him there. He had no delusions that this was just a regular social call.

"Hey Tony." He said as he locked his car door in the driveway.

Tony stood up. "Jack. How was breakfast with Kim?"

He smiled. "Good. She's doing good. It was nice to spend time with her."

"Yeah I bet."

"Come on in." Jack unlocked the door and Tony followed him in. "You want anything? A beer? A coke?"

"Water, please."

Tony sat down at a stool at Jack's counter.

Tony cut right to it while Jack was filling a glass. "I got drunk last night."

"How drunk?" Jack asked, not looking at him.

"Completely." Tony said.

Jack came and put the glass in front of Tony. "I know you didn't come all the way over here just to tell me that. What's going on?"

Tony tilted the glass towards himself and stared into the bottom of it.

"It felt so good."

Jack leaned against the fridge and folded his arms to listen.

"I woke up on the couch this morning. Michelle was there. She told me not to do it again. That I need to find another way... So here I am..."

He looked up at Jack.

Jack took a second to speak.

"Did it feel good or was it just nice to feel nothing?"

Tony looked down.

"...Tony," Jack ventured.

"You remember that I know what happened to you?"

Jack could see Tony's hands clench tightly around the glass. He nodded without looking up.

"And..." Jack searched for Tony's eyes. "it's fair to assume that Michelle doesn't know?"

"Yeah." it was barely a breath.

"Tony, ...you know I wouldn't say this if I didn't mean it. If you need to talk I will listen."

Tony took a shuddered breath. "Ok." He didn't say anything else.

"Tony."

"Yeah?"

"If... you wanna drink so badly because of this, maybe now is the time to say something?"

Tony looked up at him. His eyes were glistening.

"I'm your friend."

Tony's hand trembled as he took a sip from his glass of water. He didn't speak for a few moments.

"I couldn't believe it happened." He said it so quietly.

"How many times did it happen?" Jack asked just as quietly.

Tony didn't speak at first. Then, he cleared his throat and whispered "Twice." Then he closed his eyes. His face grimaced as he said "I thought It wasn't real. I prayed it wasn't."

Jack closed his eyes. It never should have happened.

The two men sat in silence for a very long time. Jack knew and Tony could handle that. Only that.

Tony came home and began making dinner. He had to do something. Michelle, who had taken an opportunity for a nap, eventually shuffled into the kitchen.

"Alright! Real food." She said with a smile and came up to kiss her husband.

"How was Jack's?"

"Good" he said, hoping she would ask no more. She didn't.

"How was work yesterday?" He asked, though he did not want to know.

"Fine." Michelle responded without enthusiasm. CTU no longer stimulated her as it once had and she did it because she had to. She missed working with Tony and the pain from his time in prison had poisoned the whole experience for her.

Tony nodded and kept on cooking.

It was weird that they couldn't talk about work together and even weirder that they had been leading entirely different and totally separate lives for 6 months. Now here they were, trying to play house. Sure, they were happy to be together, but Tony was different now. Though Michelle did not want to see it, it was too clear to ignore.


	4. Chapter 3

Sunday

Tony & Michelle slept in. Tony made some fantastic coffee and they took their time enjoying it out on the porch. The crossword puzzle in the paper was besting them both, but it was fun and funny for each of them.

"6 letters, Tony!"

"Just pretend it has 6 letters."

"No! That's cheating. And why can't you spell?"

"English is not my first language."

Michelle hit him with the paper. "Seriously. 6 letters, football."

"What does that even mean?... Why are we even doing this?" He laughed. "We're both terrible at these!"

"Think, Tony!"

"Ok." He took a sip of coffee. "Well, American football or soccer?"

"That's it!" she exclaimed.

"What?"

"Soccer. 6 letters! It's football."

"You're so smart." He said jokingly and leaned over to kiss her. "Doesn't that classify as an easy one? Yet, we took that long."

She pushed him away and rolled her eyes. "You're an idiot."

"You married me."

"I didn't know you were stupid until it was too late." She laughed.

"Ok!" He said, feigning a shocked expression. "I'm just gonna go make breakfast for _myself._" He got up and went in.

"I want scrambled eggs!" Michelle called in after him, smiling to herself.

They decided to walk the beach that afternoon. The water felt good on their feet and the Pacific was always so lovely and huge. For hours they talked about nothing and people watched. Michelle was really the instigator of this activity. Tony got into it though. He teased her and would make up ridiculous life stories for people that she had only made a simple observation about. It made her laugh although she tried to pretend to be annoyed. He loved to hear her laugh. Even better, he loved to make her laugh. There had not been so much laughter in one day since his pardon.

...

Then, it was Monday. The day was fine until Michelle called to say that she would be working very late. It was not until then that he remembered that he was just a freeloading husband without a job. Tony was alone beginning to acutely feel his worthlessness. He tried watching tv. That occupied his mind for all of 2 minutes before he had to get up. The solitude began messing with him once again. Standing on the back porch, Tony closed his eyes and tried to just breath. Behind his eyes was where the danger lay. He couldn't stand to be alone with himself much longer. The desire to drown in alcohol and knock himself out like he did on Friday was getting stronger and stronger. But he loved her. So, with a trembling hand he picked up the phone.

"Bauer."

"Jack."

"Hey Tony."

"Can we talk?"

"What's up?"

"Michelle isn't home and..." His voice caught.

Jack didn't need to hear the rest.

"Do you want me to come over?"

"Ya. I'd appreciate that." He said, relieved.

Jack arrived to find Tony sitting on the front stoop waiting for him.

"Hey Tony."

"Thanks for coming".

"Of course."

They shook hands then sat down together on the steps.

"What happened?"

Tony took a moment before he spoke. "I can't be alone."

He paused. "I can't deal with it. I can't-" His voice cracked and he broke off.

"I'm sorry" he said as he fiercely rubbed the stray tears that came down.

"Tony, please don't apologize. I'm not putting up with you. I'm your friend."

Tony was quiet, still trying not to cry.

"What you're feeling makes perfect sense Tony. It's gonna take time."

"Fuck" It was a sob.

Tony put his face in his hands and clenched his jaw tightly. He would not cry.

Jack stayed with him until Michelle returned. She did not question Jack's presence, grateful that Tony gotten the help he needed like she asked him to, instead of numbing himself again. She felt relieved.

After Michelle had gone into the house, Tony thanked Jack for coming. Regardless of how much Jack knew or how well they knew each other, Tony could not help but feel pathetic.

"Good night, Tony" Jack said as he headed to his car.

"Night Jack" Tony said from the porch.

He stood a little longer until Jack drove away then turned and went in.

Michelle was getting ready for bed when Tony came back in. She was too tired to do anything else.

"You ok, sweetheart?" she asked.

"Better." He said hesitantly expecting to have to explain, talk about more painful, uncomfortable things.

"I'm glad you called Jack. You don't know what it means to me."

She came over, kissed him, and thanked him as she gave him a hug.

Unexpectedly, he felt touched. It clicked in his head that she didn't need him strong, she just needed him, needed him to be there and love her.

_Love is action_, he mused.

That night, Tony slept with some peace and felt happy. He'd done the right thing, and his wife was beside him.

...

The next few days were good days. Tony Almeida felt like himself again. While Michelle was gone he did all the household things that were needed. It was like every day was a saturday back before that terrible day. He went to the grocery store, had a nice dinner ready each night Michelle got home. He called his sister and talked with her for the first time in a long while. He found himself enjoying his time. He and Michelle were able to just enjoy each other's company each evening.

One night after dinner the two of them were sitting on the couch. They were not talking or even watching tv. Tony had his arm around his wife and she was snuggled up close, leaning on him.

"I really missed you, Tony." She said after a while, breaking the silence.

Tony looked down at her face. Her eyes were closed and she looked so content. He felt something inside like guilt as well as affection for Michelle.

"I really missed you." He said and kissed her head.

Tony wasn't sure if he could say more. He didn't want to to her about about prison, most especially anything he felt at the time. Could he say anything without saying everything? There were things she could not know. She would not be able to love him if she did. Still, he knew he was hiding his heart from her. It had become a darkened thing and Tony did not want her to know. Why was this so hard?

That night...

"Tony." Michelle shook his shoulder.

"Tony, wake up. It's ok. Wake up."

Although asleep, he tried to fight the hand that touched him.

"Tony, honey wake up. It's me."

"No!" he shouted, still trying to push her off.

"Tony, come on. Wake up."

Without warning, his eyes opened and he grabbed her by the neck, pinning her down on the bed.

"You bastard!" he screamed. "You f**king bastard!"

She knew he was still dreaming and that it was not her that he was seeing.

"Tony! Stop! It's me! Michelle!" She gasped.

She tried to fight him, but he was too strong. Desperately, she punched him as hard as she could in the stomach.

He let go, gasping, clutching his stomach. His eyes darted around in confusion. He was awake. Michelle immediately backed away, coughing and shaken.

"Michelle?" Tony breathed. He quickly scanned the room, reorienting himself. Then he looked back at Michelle.

What had he just done?

Suddenly he felt sick.

"Oh f**k" he whispered, staggering slightly as he backed away from the bed.

"Michelle, I'm so sorry." He couldn't face her and turned, quickly retreating to the bathroom. Leaning against the locked door, his heart thundered in his ears. "Oh f**k" He whimpered as his eyes brimmed with tears. Tony slid to the floor, held his head in his hands and wept. What had just happened?

Memories of hell. Awaking to find he'd tried to kill his wife?

He'd never felt like this before and he didn't know what to do. His breathing was heavy and erratic as he tried in vain to stop crying. He was so sick of crying, but the tears continued to spill from his eyes. His wife had just experienced his torment first hand. He couldn't hide this from her anymore.

Michelle, still shaken, sat on the end of the bed listening to his quiet breakdown. She knew that prison haunted him constantly, but nothing like this had happened before. He could have his space, but she was not going to leave him alone like that much longer. She knew he needed her, needed to know that it was ok. For his sake and for hers he had to talk to her. She would not stand by any longer while he tried to keep whatever he was hiding inside. Tony was hurting, she knew, but his pain had just reached brimming point.

Michelle got up and knelt quietly beside the bathroom door. She could hear him breathing just behind it.

"Tony" She began softly.

No answer.

"Tony, honey, it's not your fault. You were having a nightmare. I'm ok. You didn't hurt me."

She waited for a response.

Nothing.

"Tony, please open the door. Please talk to me. I love you."

Huddled behind the door, Tony listened, eyes closed, taking comfort in her voice.

But, he did not want to come out. Terrified that he might hurt his wife again, terrified of the nightmares and terrified of her knowing about any of it.

Michelle felt so helpless.

"Tony please just come back to bed, ok?"

She waited in silence for a moment. Finally, she sighed, got up and headed back to bed.

"What if I hurt you agian?"

She turned around. He was standing in the doorway.

"You didn't hurt me, Tony." She stated calmly.

"But I would have."

She stepped closer to him. "But you didn't."

He was reluctant to let her touch him, to be held, as she put her arms around him.

"It's ok." she whispered. "It's ok"

Slowly, he succumbed, gripping her tightly, burying his head in her shoulder.

"I'm sorry" He breathed.

"I know" she said "It's ok."

"I'm sorry" He said again in a whispered sob

"It doesn't matter Tony. It's ok"

"I don't wanna hide anymore. I'm sorry" He wept.

This was all she wanted; his trust.

When they went to back to bed, Tony was too afraid to sleep.


	5. Chapter 4

It was raining hard the next evening.

Michelle had been home for a little less than a half an hour. Neither of them had mentioned what happened the night before. Neither of them knew how. Tony asked Michelle if she minded him heading over to Jack's. She said she didn't mind, but it was a lie. She was disappointed and wished he would stay. It was like he did not want to be around her. Sometimes she would feel the terrible stab that it was because she he went to prison for her. But, that wasn't true. She knew he loved her. He was struggling. That was clear.

Jack had not been home long when there was a timid knock at the front door. He opened it to find Tony standing awkwardly on the front porch.

"Can I come in?"

"Of course." Jack said. He led his friend to the kitchen.

"Do you want anything Tony?"

"No thanks. Look, uh... I just need to talk to you, aright."

"Sure."

Tony sighed "Let's go outside."

On the back porch they stood in silence watching the rain through the screens.

After a few minutes Tony became visibly agitated and spoke.

"I had a dream and ...I hurt Michelle."

"In your sleep?"

"Ya." he was obviously holding back a flood. "I don't know what I said in my sleep, but she tried to wake me up and-"

"Tony?" Jack coaxed.

"I fuckin' choked my wife, Jack!"

Jack nodded solemnly. "Was she ok?"

"Ya, just shaken up, but..." He exhaled a shaky breath. "I can't keep hiding this from her. She's not dumb."

"No, she isn't."

Tony's frustration was filling the air and he cut to the chase.

"How could she look at me again if she knew? How can I tell her? They took everything from me Jack!"

"I know, Tony." He did. He kept listening, letting his friend continue.

"And I don't know how I'd ever face her after she knew. I hardly can now."

Jack could see the tears glistening in Tony's eyes

"What hurts the most is that she knows I'm hiding prison from her, that I don't want her to know and I know she thinks it's because I don't trust her. But I do! I trust her with my life! But I can't tell her! I can't tell her what they did! I can't tell her how worthless I feel. I can't tell her how I felt then or all the times I wanted to kill myself. Or the times I'd bury my face so hard in my pillow so nobody would hear me cryin' at night."

Tears were now streaming freely down his face as he spoke.

"What do I tell her? How much does she need to know? I can't even think about it Jack! If I ever actually let it in my head, let myself try to deal with it, I throw up. She never sees because she's at work! Every time! She doesn't know! I can't tell her about it! I can't!"

They'd been standing side by side, but now Jack had his friend wrapped in a tight hug. Tony released a sob and then another.

"What do I do Jack?" It was a muffled cry into Jack's shoulder.

"You tell her." Jack said.

Tony broke into continuous sobs. He knew it too.

"Tony, it will be alright. Don't be afraid, man."

Although Tony fought very hard not to drink while he was alone all day, because she asked him not to and he loved her, it did not change the fact that slowly he was distancing himself from Michelle. He began talk with her less and less and when he did it was inconsequential. He tried to go out of his way to tease her, to let her know he cared, but it was not the same. They ate together and spent their evenings together, but he would go over to Jack's or to the grocery store or he would watch endless amounts of tv. However grateful she was that he wasn't drinking, she almost wished he would. That, at least, was a problem she could confront.

Michelle was lying in bed one evening. She was trying to rationalize Tony's behavior. It was all she could do. Without the rationalizations the only conclusion that flooded in was that Tony did not love her anymore, that he was angry at her. If she let those ideas take over she would start crying. It had happened the night before. She had to pull over on the way home in order to get control of herself. She could see what was happening, but did not know what to do. There was a missing piece. Somewhere between keeping her at arms length and 6 miserable months of separation, Michelle knew that prison did enough to shake Tony's confidence in a major way. She could not have guessed that it was in more than just the obvious ways.

Tony had gone off to bed before her and she figured by this time he had to be asleep. She could not have guessed that Tony's internal battle over confiding in her was beginning to wear him down. He too lay there awake. Assuming that Michelle was asleep, he was surprised when her voice softly broke the silence.

"I wish you would just talk to me."

He could tell that Michelle was crying. Still, he remained silent.

Tony had yet to confide in Michelle a week later when he showed up at Jack's house. Once again, he came to Jack for support. Jack had all the sympathy in the world for his friend, but knew he was hiding from Michelle and beginning to alienate her because of his secret. He would not let his friends marriage fall apart if he knew he could do something about it.

Tony sat down on the couch across from Jack.

Jack cut right to it.

"Have you talked to her yet?"

Tony was taken aback by Jack's frankness. He was usually softer and so understanding, but Jack was not going to indulge this anymore. He'd be there for Tony, but only if his friend let his wife be there for him first. _Tough love_ he supposed. It felt a bit harsh, but he knew he was about to do the right thing.

"Uh, no, but-"

"Why not?"

"Jack." Tony said, suddenly annoyed.

"Tony, I'm not your wife. You have to let her in."

"What the fuck, Jack?" He snapped, standing up abruptly.

"You're gonna push her away if you just keep coming to me when it hurts."

"What am I supposed to do?" He was angry now, especially because he knew Jack was right. In his mind he was up against a wall.

"Tell her." Jack said evenly.

Tony turned and looked out the window. "You know I can't... not yet."

"That's bullshit, Tony."

Tony turned sharply, glaring at Jack.

"You can't tell your wife that you were raped?"

"Shut the f**k up!" Tony practically snarled.

Jack continued. "No, I forgot, you can't tell her." He prepared for Tony's reaction. "How could she still love you after she found out you were a bitch?"

Tony's eyes filled with fire and he lunged at Jack. Jack allowed Tony to grab him and throw him against the wall. He held Jack up off the ground and screamed in his face. "You fucking bastard! You don't fucking know a shit about it!" He roared, spitting as he did so.

Jack took his chances and yelled back.

"What? It's true! She probably won't be able to look at you."

Tony punched him hard in the stomach, letting Jack drop to the floor.

"Why couldn't you protect yourself?" Jack gasped.

Tony went to kick him hard, but Jack knocked his feet out from under him. Tony crashed to the floor. Jack got up quickly and put the couch between himself and Tony, waiting for him to get up.

Tony got quickly to his feet. He stood boiling with such a rage Jack had not witnessed.

"You're gonna kill me?"

Tony came at him again. Jack, being the better fighter and taking advantage of Tony's maddened state, put him on the ground again.

"Why are you after _me_, Tony?" He said to him as Tony picked himself up again.

"Fucking bastard!"

"It's what you think. Isn't it, Tony?"

Tony ran for him. Jack punched him hard in the stomach and Tony staggered back sputtering.

"That's why you're here isn't it?"

Tony looked up with so much blind hatred it almost scared Jack, and came at him one last time. Jack threw him to the ground. Tony hit the floor hard and didn't get up. He remained on his back as his face crumbled until he just started sobbing uncontrollably. Jack stood back for a moment. The sounds coming out of Tony were awful, ugly and wrenching. He dragged his arm over his eyes in attempt to hide in his overwhelming shame. Jack sat on the couch, out of sight, and let him cry. He listened as eventually the sobs turned to gasps, his gasps turned to ragged breaths, and his ragged breaths evened out all together. Tony stayed where he was.

Jack looked at his hands.

"Tony" he began gently. "I will be here for you. I want to be. ...but I can't let you push Michelle away just because you can talk to me."

Tony said nothing.

"It's pride. I get that and I get even more how much it hurts to wound it in the way I'm suggesting, but you don't have a choice. ...Tony, I pushed Teri away because I wouldn't let her in on my pain. I tried to carry it all and I almost succeeded in destroying my marriage. Do you see what you're doing? I understand you feel that you're in a corner, and one option seems impossible to you. But what can you possibly have to lose by letting her in that you won't certainly lose if you don't?"

Jack sighed. "It's not my place to even let her know that you're hiding anything, but I'm not just going to cover for you constantly and let you do this."

Jack heard Tony get up. He didn't turn around. The front door opened and shut again. A car started and Tony was gone.

Later...

"Hello."

"Jack, it's Michelle."

"Hey."

"Is Tony there?"

"No."

"But he was there, right? After dinner he said he was going over there."

"Yeah, but he left maybe two hours ago."

"Did he say where he was going?"

"No, he just left."

There was a pause over the phone.

"I don't know where he is and he hasn't called. I'm really worried."

"Did you call him?"

"Yes. His phone's off. I'm ready to call the police."

"Michelle... I'd put my money on him blowing off steam someplace."

"Or getting smashed." She added bitterly.

"He'll be back, just give him some time." He was not certain at all, though he wanted to trust Tony.

Michelle sighed.

"I don't know what he's going through, but he can't do this to me!"

She sighed again. "I'm sorry Jack. Will you call me if you hear from him?"

"Of course. And please don't be sorry."

"Thanks, Jack. Bye."

Jack hung up the phone and went to get his keys.

He drove past the closest bar he knew of. Sure enough, out on the street was Tony's car. As he passed he was surprised to see Tony still sitting in the drivers seat. Jack drove past unnoticed and found parking. He walked two blocks back to Tony's car. Tony, having seen him approaching in the side mirror, did not respond when Jack opened the door and got in the passenger seat. Tony ignored his presence for a solid minute before Jack laid into him.

"Who's the fucking bastard now?"

Tony glanced over, expressionless.

"Your wife, who fucking loves you, just called me. She was really worried. Wanted to know if I'd seen you."

"Great."

Jack let his frustration come through. "Why don't you just go tell her you want a divorce. It'd be much faster. Because this is stupid. Why drag it out?"

"Shut up, Jack." Tony spat.

"You couldn't even call her to let her know you were off feeling sorry for yourself?"

Tony suddenly punched the steering wheel. Jack didn't flinch. Then softly, quietly he said "Talk to me."

"What do you want me to say?"

"Why are you here, Tony?"

"This is what I want, but I know you're right, I know Michelle is right... I'll destroy everything if I go in there. I can't be sure I won't lose Michelle if I tell her, but I know I will if I don't! I just want to drown! I wanna be so numb I won't even know my own fucking name." His voice thickened and tears misted his eyes. "I feel like it'd be better to die than let her know. I feel ok with just you knowing and knowing that I can come to you, but I'm pushing my wife away." A tear streaked down his cheek.

"I guess" Jack began very gently. "It comes down to: do you want to be miserable for sure, or will you at least chance happiness?"

Tony closed his eyes and his shoulders began to shake as he silently cried.

"Everything will be fine. It's your own self hatred talking. Michelle loves you, Tony."

Tony nodded despite himself.

Jack put a hand on his shoulder. "Come on. Let's go."

Tony, tears subsiding, put the key in and started the car. He looked over at Jack.

"I'll go with you. I could use a good long walk home."

Tony, would have objected, but he was grateful. He might stop at a different bar on the way home.

Tony saw Michelle look out the window as he pulled into the driveway. He turned off the car and stared at the wheel.

"Goodnight Tony." Jack said and, without hesitation, got out of the car and headed off down the sidewalk into the night.

Tony sighed and got out of the car. He didn't know what he'd tell Michelle and he expected her to be angry. When he came in she was waiting at the kitchen table.

"I'm sorry." was all he could say.

"I'm pissed."

"I know."

"Don't ever do that again. Tell me where you are!"

He nodded slowly.

"I don't deserve that!"

The two of them readied themselves for bed in silence. Michelle took a while to fall asleep, but Tony last read the clock at 3:45 am. The battle inside himself was coming to its close and at last he concluded, but never fell asleep.


	6. Chapter 5

Tony spent that Sunday morning fighting the urge to throw up. He felt so afraid, so nervous that it made his stomach tighten painfully. Michelle had not noticed his nervous tension that morning. In fact she had done all but ignore him completely. He didn't blame her after what he'd done, but he was going to do the right thing today. He'd tried all day to tell her, losing his nerve every time. Finally, after a dinner of chinese take out, Tony approached Michelle as she was folding laundry in their room. She was about to push the basket over to him and "invite" him to help, but he had found his voice.

"Michelle." He looked sick.

"Yes?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Sure."

He led her to the couch.

They both sat down facing one another.

Sensing his tension Michelle took his hand in hers.

Her hands on his made him feel equally reassured and disgusted with himself.

Tony forced himself to look her in the eyes.

"I have to tell you something."

She nodded.

"And I've..." he closed his eyes and almost struggled to get the words out. "never been more afraid than I am right now."

She squeezed his hand. "Tony, whatever it is, I love you."

He took a breath that shuddered as he exhaled.

"I-" and nothing came.

"In prison..." A panic was gathering in his throat. Whether it would choke him to death or come screaming out was unclear. But, he found that he could not say this to her face and looked away. His mouth then began to move. He could not see her expression. He could not even hear himself. All that he knew was the pure terror of the leap he was taking. And then, he felt like a shell. It was out. He had said it. Now it was up to her. There was no sound now but the beating of his heart in his ears.

Michelle was stunned. She was still listening to his words as they echoed inside her mind. All this time, she thought he was angry and nursing wounded pride. But, her husband had been abused, assaulted and ever since he had been floundering to wake up from a nightmare.

Slowly reality came back into focus. "Tony."

Michelle's inward gaze turned outward. He was still there, aching.

"Tony, please look at me."

He couldn't. He kept his face turned away and his gaze fixed on the wall. His mouth was pursed shut as he fought to hold back his shameful tears.

Tony had just done the most difficult thing in his entire life. He had confided to her his most shameful, most fearful secret.

She took his face in her hands, gently turning it towards her.

She waited for his reluctant and glistening eye contact.

"You are so brave, Tony."

His face suddenly fell apart.

She pulled him to her and he sobbed like a child. Michelle felt the vibrations of his anguish through her whole body as he did his best to hide himself in her embrace.

That night...

The moon was shining brightly into the room when he woke up screaming. Michelle bolted upright only to see his shadowy form retreat into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Seconds later the contents of his stomach could be heard pouring into the toilet bowl. His high pitched but quiet sobs followed shortly. She sat with her arms around her knees burying her face in her arms just listening. Tony did not come out for a long time so she decided to give him space and try to return to sleep. The next morning she found him curled up on the floor in front of the toilet, snoring. Had the circumstance not been so tragic she probably would have laughed.

"Tony." she touched his shoulder.

"Mm?"

She smiled. "Wake up sweetheart."

He opened his eyes, looking up at her. A faint smile appeared on his lips. "Hey" he rasped.

"Are you hungry?"

He raised an eyebrow. "You're gonna make somethin'?"

"Not really." she said smiling "We have cereal."

"Right." He chuckled as he lifted himself off the floor.

When he was standing she wrapped him in a hug that he silently returned. He nuzzled his face into her shoulder and breathed deeply.

Separating, he followed her out to the kitchen.

They sat together at the table silently eating "Life" (Tony's favorite) cereal and watching the news.

There was no strain or pregnant silence. They both remembered the night before, but it did not hang over them that morning. What Tony had revealed would need to be addressed, but not at once.

When they had finished, Tony excused himself to go get dressed.

Michelle followed a few minutes later when she had cleared breakfast.

Entering their room she found him staring blankly at his reflection in the mirror.

"Tony?"

This shook him back into focus. Turning to her, he made eye contact briefly and then dropped his gaze to the floor.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of." She said at first.

He looked up at her and suddenly his face became angry. He shouted "I have everything to be ashamed of!" Then sat down on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands.

Finally, he looked up at her with tears welling in his eyes.

His voice was husky "How can you still look at me?"

She held back a sob, but couldn't keep the tears from her eyes.

"Because-"

They fell silently as she spoke and visibly fought to keep from breaking down.

"because you still are the _man_ I love. Nothing has changed. You've been hurt. You need to heal."

His head fell and he stared at the floor. Tony wanted to believe her, but he was so disgusted with himself that he could not.

"Tony."

"Look at me."

He did.

"This is not your fault. I am not disgusted with you. You are no less of a man because of it. Do you understand me?"

He nodded gravely and then suddenly burst into sobs again.

She made to comfort him, but he put out his hand to stop her. "Please" he gasped between sobs and turned away from her, curling up on the bed. There was nothing for her to do but leave the room and let him cry.

She went out on the back porch, sat down and wept into her hands. She didn't know what to do and felt completely helpless. Suddenly she was struck with a thought and pulled out her cell phone, dialing Jack. He answered.

"Jack."

"Michelle?"

"Did he tell you?" Jack could hear the emotion in her voice and he knew Tony must have finally told her what had happened.

There was a pause. "I knew, but yes he did tell me."

She was silent.

"Nothing could have prepared me for this. Nothing."

She sighed.

"He doesn't even want me to look at him."

"I wouldn't either." Jack mused.

She started to cry again.

"How can I even help him?" She cried

"It'll be ok Michelle. Just don't let him hide from you, because he will. Don't let him."

Through her tears she agreed.

She was not going to let Tony sink.

A few days went by in which Tony hid. He avoided Michelle and when they were together he did not speak. She decided it was best to let him have his space for a little while. She understood how ashamed and disgusted he must have felt and did not blame him. However she would not come second to it.

On the morning of the 4th day, Michelle came into their room. Tony was sitting on the edge of the bed just staring at the floor. There were tears in his eyes. Quietly she went and sat beside him. She was silent for a moment. Then, looked at him and touched his hand.

"Can you please talk to me?" It was a gentle plea.

There was a solid minute of silence between them until he finally looked straight ahead and took a deep breath. He was done hiding prison from her. It was time.

"I-" he choked through his tears. "I was a traitor. It didn't matter what they'd done. They hated me because they could."

He took a shuddered breath

"I got a cell mate." He closed his eyes as if preparing to relive a nightmare. "He knew who I was, they all did. At night- at night he'd lie there whispering your name. Over and over again."

Michelle noticed his fists were clenched tightly.

"He must have heard me say it in my sleep, because I never talked about you to anyone. ...I wanted to hurt him so badly. I held back so hard. So hard! Then, once he was talking- He'd be out sooner than me and he was in for rape, but I got 20. He was talking to me about what he did to women and started going into detail. I tried to ignore him..."

Tony paused, trying to hold back tears, contorting his face. She touched his cheek and he squeezed her hand.

His voice cracked as he said "but then, but then he says 'I bet Michelle-'..."

Tony was unable to continue, but took his wife in his arms and just held her silently. "It's ok Tony." She whispered.

He went on, but did not let go of her as if he was trying to protect her from his own words. "I almost killed him. I couldn't stop. I hit him and hit him. I was like an animal."

"I'm sorry." He said quietly.

"Tony, it's over. I understand."

"The guards finally got in and pulled me off him, hitting me hard. Two of them carted him out, but the other two kept hitting me. I couldn't move when they were done and they left me there. I didn't get up til the next afternoon. My cellmate never came back to my cell."

He closed his eyes. "I heard he ended up in the infirmary for a week."

Tony did not say anything else.

"I love you." Michelle said quietly. This was the second time that she heard anything of Tony's experience in prison. His silence was now broken. However terrified, Tony had found the courage to open the door. Michelle could now step inside and be there for him.

Michelle felt strong but sick. She tried to hide her pain from Tony, knowing he couldn't bear the thought of her having any kind of burden on her heart because of him. She knew Tony had begun dealing with this, if unhealthily, long before he told her. He'd expressed himself to Jack and before that, it had lived in his heart long enough. Michelle was coming in on a new stage; learning to live with it and himself without the secret. She had faith that they could get through this. After all they had come this far already, but she struggled with an on and off sorrow for the pain he husband had to carry in his soul. She wasn't afraid of this and planned to see him through. Her husband was afraid, but she would show him his courage.

[Some nights later]

Michelle woke up and noticed her husband's silhouette standing in the moonlit window.

"Tony. Are you ok?"

"Ya. I'm fine. You can go back to sleep."

"Are you sure?"

"Ya. I just couldn't sleep."

She sighed.

"Tony, you know I don't buy that. Just come sit with me."

He turned around. She couldn't see his face, but she pictured it and half expected him to get angry. Instead he did come and sit with her. He leaned against the headboard and didn't say anything for a while.

Tony broke the silence "Right before I attacked my cell mate he told me- he thanked me for..." Tony paused, clenching his jaw. "...for sharing you with him when he got out. I knew it was just talk, but..."

Tears began to spill freely down his face. Tony refused to make eye contact with her as he told this story, looking straight ahead as he spoke.

"But he said it was only fair because you... shared me with the others."

As he finished the sentence, he visibly gagged.

"I didn't have anything left. I wasn't a man anymore."

He looked at her, his eyes burned with tears and his face was contorted with shame and rage. He seemed to be waiting for her to agree.

"I couldn't protect myself and I wouldn't be able to protect my wife."

She just looked at him. How could he believe that?

"Tony, you did protect me and you are everything to me and nothing that has been said or done to you changes anything except in _your mind_. "

Tony was looking at the floor.

"Remember that letter I wrote you? The one that just said that I loved you."

She nodded. "Of course."

"I wrote it to stop me from killing myself. It was the only thing I could do. You're the only reason I'm alive."

She held back her tears and took his hand in hers. "That's why you were so upset when I visited after that... Tony I'm so sorry I didn't know. That I couldn't help you then."

He said nothing, and in the darkness only took her hand and held it to his heart. Then, he lay back down and fell asleep shortly after. Michelle did not. In fact she didn't sleep at all. She was up all night just thinking. This was all her fault. If he didn't love her he wouldn't be where he is now. He would have been better off without her. She may not be Nina, but she certainly caused more damage to Tony than she had. Michelle finally began to cry as morning was coming on. She put a pillow over her face to stifle the sound. She did not want him to hear. But the bed was shaking with her crying and woke him up. At first he didn't know why. His eyes opened then he registered the movement. Turning his head he saw her shaking shoulders and her face under the pillow. He kind of wanted to laugh, but then realized she was crying. He put a hand on her arm. "Michelle." She was caught. Removing the pillow she looked at him, her face tearful and full of guilt. "I'm sorry, Tony."

"Why?" He asked with genuine concern.

"Because" She sobbed. "You wouldn't be in pain if you didn't love me!"

Tony could not accept that. Immediately he threw off his covers and jumped over her and onto the floor. She was surprised by the sudden rash movement. He knelt over the bed and took both her hands in his. Her red, puffy eyes met his big brown ones. "Don't think that." He said gravely. "I did what I did because I couldn't let you go. I wouldn't take it back."

She lay back and spoke to the ceiling. "I promised you I wasn't like Nina."

"Honey, what are you talking about?" Tony couldn't believe his ears.

"I've caused you more pain than she ever did."

"Michelle. Michelle, look at me." She turned her eyes to him.

He had a compassionate smile on his face. "Sweetheart, Nina was evil... I mean, that's ridiculous."

She started to smile through her tears. She knew it too.

"Michelle, it's ok." Tony started laughing. "Nina?"

"I'm sorry!" And suddenly she was laughing and crying.

Tony put his forehead on the edge of the bed and kept on laughing. "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."

Michelle grabbed the nearest pillow and hit him with it. They both were dissolved in giggles until finally they could breath again.

"I love you. I hope you know that." He laughed and leaned over to kiss her.

"It's a good thing too." She said.

"Come on. Get up, you goof." He said pulling himself off the ground. "I'll go make coffee."

She could hear him laughing all the way down the hall.

When she got up and came into the kitchen he started laughing again.

"What?"

"Nina."

"Tony! Stop! I was really serious."

"I know. I'm sorry. It's just an absurd comparison!"

She smiled though she felt slightly stupid. She knew he understood what she told him.

"Come here. I'm sorry." He said smiling and took her in his arms for a hug. "I love you."

"I love you too. Even though you're a jerk."


	7. Chapter 6

Michelle tried to find the best way to handle Tony. She knew he would not tolerate pity, but support was what he needed most. So she never brought up prison and only discussed it if he did. Things felt better for Michelle because Tony was no longer fighting a secret war and keeping her at arms length. The war was still on inside him, only now she could fight by his side. She felt contrasting emotions. Relief, like she had her husband back who she felt she almost lost, and pain over the pain he endured all for her protection. She hid from Tony the self incriminating feelings that often came. It was hard to feel like she was responsible when he knew it wasn't true. It was just so much easier to blame herself than to dwell on the complicated and inexplicable way the world is.

Tony woke up in the middle of the night. He felt nothing. A crash of terror that silenced him, then slowly it colored the surface of his life with a black sludge. The feelings oozing out over his consciousness could not be held back. Abruptly, he got out of bed.

"Michelle." he said quietly at first and received no response.

"Michelle!" he repeated with a note of urgency.

"Mm?" Came a sleepy mumble.

He heard her move. "Tony?" She got out of bed and stood beside him. Placing her hand gently on his shoulder she could feel his rigid tension.

"I can't do this, Michelle." He said in a harsh whisper and choked back a sob.

"It's ok Tony. It's just me."

His face, struggling for control, began to fail him. Tears got past his defense.

"It's ok." She whispered.

A wrenching sob erupted from his heart as he turned to her and held on tight. She held his head gently to her shoulder. Tony could barely keep up with his own sobs. Horrible, gasping, desperate sounds like she'd never heard. It was as if he were suffering intense physical pain.

"I can't!" Tony cried.

"Yes, you can."

He had thought that telling her would make him feel better, but often he just felt more scared. At times Tony would realize that he was just waiting for the second she told him she hated him. He was ashamed of himself. Knowing that she knew what he was made him want to be as far from her as possible, but at the same time he couldn't stay away because he needed her so much. And, despite himself, he loved her.

Michelle opened the front door on Monday night and sensed that something was wrong. Having opted for shorter days the rest of the week, she stayed late to get as much done as possible. She did not call out to Tony as was her custom. Entering the kitchen she found him around the counter. He was sitting against the cupboards, his legs out lazily in front of him. He squinted and then his eyes got wide and he smiled.

"Hey baby." Tony slurred and took a swig of the dwindling bottle of cheap whiskey in his hand. Michelle wanted to cry, to run from the room and hide, but fought the urge.

_You know what kind of pain he's in._

"Hi sweetheart" she said in a false voice as she sat down beside him. "What's going on?"

He smiled drunkenly, not answering the question at first, and handed her the bottle.

"Thanks." She managed to say and placed it on the other side of her, away from him.

"Oh you know..." He answered goofily. "Just hangin' out."

"Oh." She said with no inflection.

Tony continued. "You were at work and Jack wasn't around. ...I had to talk to somebody."

"I'm here now, Tony, what was on your mind?" She said kindly, although she already knew.

His jolliness immediately faded. "I can't remember."

_He probably couldn't._

"I'm glad you're here." He slurred again, his head lolling over so he was looking at her with a glazed look. It scared her.

"Cuz I don't like to be alone... bad dreams and stuff y'know?"

"Do you want to tell me about them?"

On trigger, his face crumpled and his eyes filled with tears.

"I don't know." He whimpered.

"It's ok, Tony." She patted his shoulder.

"Come on." She said, standing up.

Michelle, with a significant effort, helped her wasted husband to his feet. She mostly dragged him down the hall to their bedroom. When she finally got him there, he collapsed onto the bed. Tony fell asleep almost instantly, mumbling things she couldn't understand. Michelle pulled off his shoes, turned off the light and left the room. In the kitchen, she mechanically poured the (little) remaining alcohol down the drain. After trashing the empty bottle, Michelle took herself out to the back porch. She looked up at the sky for a little while and then began to cry. She was well enough acquainted with Tony's pride to understand why he hadn't called her. Still, it hurt and guilt flooded in. He'd suffered so much just because of her, because he loved her.

Tony opened his eyes. He felt gross and was still wearing his clothes from the night before. Rolling over, he saw his wife beside him. Her eyes were closed and she breathed calmly. Guilt suddenly washed over him. Last night was mostly a blur. He could only remembered his pain, a short walk to the liquor store and the first few sips. After that, nothing. Jack and Michelle weren't around and he only felt the intensity of his own shame, rage and pain. He told her he wouldn't do this again. He sighed. She must have found him trashed and put him to bed like a little kid. She didn't deserve that and he felt like a fool.

To the silence of the room he whispered "I'm sorry." And, to his surprise, she answered. "I forgive you."

He didn't know what to say to her, caught off guard, thinking she was asleep. It sounded so lame, but it was all he had. "I tried, Michelle. I really tried." He was looking her in the eyes and she was looking back at his. Tony saw the hurt there, but her strength and compassion were unmistakable.

"I believe you." She said calmly, and paused. "Why didn't you call me? I would've come home to be with you." He couldn't answer at first. Suddenly he did not trust his voice, but answered quietly. "Because you shouldn't have to babysit me."

To his surprise she punched his shoulder rather hard. "Taking care of a drunk husband is babysitting, Tony! Not supporting him. Think about it, please!"

He tried uselessly to control his voice. "I can't keep you from your life!"

"My life? You and our marriage are my life, Tony! I'm pretty sure I'm your priority, so why is it somehow strange that you are mine?"

She sighed.

He lamely tried to prepare a response and she continued. "Tony, I know how you're hurting. I see it in your face every second of the day. I love you and I am here for you. If I can't be then why are we even married?"

He had no answer. She was right.

Softly, she continued. "It's not going to be like this is forever, Tony. I know it feels that way now, but I know it won't be. You will get stronger and time heals in ways we can't imagine. Trust me."

"I do." He breathed, holding back his tears.

"Then do you trust that I love you."

He nodded.

She gave thought on her next words and then began. "If I was ever raped. [Tony cringed] you would be there for me through every second I struggled to deal with it. You'd stay up with me all night if I cried. You'd talk me through beliefs that all touch was stealing and pain, you'd listen to me, you'd hold me and you'd make me feel safe. Would you ever call it babysitting, Tony?"

Concern flooded his eyes. "You're my wife."

"And you're my husband da*mit! We both took those vows didn't we Tony? Good times and bad? Does it mean nothing? I know it's hard for you to accept being supported and not supporting, but we have to do what we have to do to get through this."

She gave him a few seconds to soak that in.

"...And don't make my decisions for me. Call me and let me decide if I don't love you enough to come home and hold your hand through the pain. Ok?"

Once again she had silenced him in his moments of stupidity and made everything clearer.

He cleared his throat. "Yea."

He allowed her to hold him.

Finding his voice again, he whispered "I know you're right, but this is hard for me. It will take some time to believe it."

She stroked his hair.

"I know, and that's ok."

He closed his eyes. "I don't deserve you."

She smiled. "You're the only one who did."

To her surprise, she could feel him shaking, from laughter.

Tony walked into the room, sneakers in hand, looking a bit agitated. He had on a white t and blue shorts.

"Honey."

"Yeah?"

"I have to go running."

"Ok."

"I'll be back." and exited by the back door.

He was gone for 3 hours. Michelle began to worry about him after 2 hours, but she waited, trusting him. He needed to get away, she understood that. If he was gone 4 hours and not back yet then she would call the police or Jack, or both.

He staggered in 20 minutes later, covered in dirt, sweating and breathing hard. His shirt was torn up by the shoulder and his knees were skinned but his face looked freer. Not so burdened or sad.

As he came in he took of his (soaked) shoes and socks, walked past Michelle, kissing her on the cheek as he went, and threw himself down on the couch. The whole room filled with sweaty man smell.

"Need some water?"

His eyes met hers. He nodded, panting.

Michelle went to the kitchen and came back with a full water bottle with ice. Tony took it greedily and gratefully.

He sucked most of it down immediately then relaxed again. Michelle made herself comfortable in the easy chair.

"Good run?"

"Fantastic."

She smiled. "You smell awful."

He chuckled.

"I don't even know where I went, but I found my way back here."

He'd been on the street for about 30 minutes when the monotony was too much. He peeled off between two houses and just kept running. Down drainage ditches through woods and over fences. Tripping and falling multiple times along the way, he just kept on going. He ran and ran and ran for 3 and a half hours.

"It's like shit just sweated out of me."

"That's great."

"I gotta do this everyday."

"For almost 4 hours?"

"Well maybe not that long, but running."

"You should. ...Add it to the counter- drinking and alienation list."

He eyed her.

She looked at him.

"Yeah." Then, smiling, he said "Now come give your man a hug."

She laughed at the suggestion. "I'm not touching you or even coming near you until you shower."

"Oh come on!" He whined, outstretched his arms in her direction. "Please? I really need you to hug me right now! It's important."

"No." She shook her head.

His eyes suddenly focused intensely on her face. "Then you leave me with no choice."

"No!" She shrieked.

Michelle got up and ran as he leapt from the couch.

She made it to the hallway bathroom and locked the door before he couch reach her.

He knocked politely on the door.

"Oh Miche-eeelle?"

"What?"

"I need to talk to you."

"Get away! Go shower! I'm not coming out til you do!"

"Fiiiiine!"

She listened for his retreating footsteps and then heard the sound of the bedroom door shutting. Waiting another minute, she listened. Nothing outside the door.

Slowly, Michelle unlocked the door, turned the handle and peeked her head out towards their room.

Suddenly the door was pulled open the rest of the way and she found herself enveloped in a sweaty, dank embrace. He was laughing and she was screaming.

"Tony! You jerk!"

"I can't believe you fell for it!" He laughed, releasing her.

"Ok." He said, satisfied. "Now I can go." And he headed for their room.

"Gross." She said after him. "You're like a 14 year old boy!"

He just laughed.

"Tony, honey, wake up."

He was thrashing in his sleep and had woken up Michelle.

He cried out and released a sob.

She took his hand. "Tony."

His eyes opened and he lay there, searching her face. When he recognized her and realized he'd been dreaming, Tony inhaled and exhaled deeply.

"Thank you." He whispered.

"You ok?"

He closed his eyes. "'Yeah."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. "No." He breathed.

"Ok. I'm right here." She squeezed his hand.

"I know."

They both eventually fell back to sleep hand in hand. Tony slept undisturbed the rest of the night.


	8. Chapter 7

Michelle awoke to the sound of a shattering glass. She sat up quickly and didn't see Tony beside her. Getting up she went to the kitchen. "Tony? Are you ok?" Another shatter and then a loud clatter. In the kitchen Tony was standing barefoot over a shattered mug & coffee carafe and the coffee maker itself. He had a look of surprise and fear on his face. He looked up at her, his hands were shaking. "I'm sorry." He backed away from the mess and went to stand in front of the glass sliding door. Michelle stood, processing the scene and then slowly came about 10 feet from him. "Tony?"

"What?"

"What happened?"

"What does it look like?" He said bitterly.

"It looks like an accident. Are you ok?"

"No! I'm not ok and it wasn't a f**kin' accident!"

"Ok." She took a few steps toward him. "Will you tell me what's wrong?"

He looked at the floor, his fists were flexing. "I woke up and I saw you." His eyes squeezed shut "...You looked so damn peaceful and you think I can protect you. You think that I'm your big strong man, but I'm fuckin' not! I'm not a man anymore! They took it all away and I'm shit! I can't be here for you!"

"Tony, what are you saying?"

"I'm saying I could save you! But it cost us! I can't do this!

She ran up and wrapped her arms around him and buried her face in his chest. "Tony, I love you! You are here for me!"

He pushed her off him. "I did what I did to keep you! But now I'm nothing for you!"

"Tony, that's not true." Her eyes were filled with tears.

"Stop! Stop trying to coddle me! It is true! It's f**king true, Michelle!"

Michelle slapped him hard across the face. He was stunned into silence. She took hold of both his fists and held them tightly in her hands.

"Listen to me! You're so stupid! You don't feel like a man because of what happened, but it happened because you are a man! You gave yourself for me, Tony! You think I can't see that! I see it better than you do! You protected me and you suffered for it. You are a more real man than any I know, Tony! I love you. I love you! And I'm sorry it happened to you. I'd give my life to take it from you, but I can't, Tony! I can't! But I know!" She took a breath. "that when I look at you I see a strong man. I know I married a giver and a protector! And you gave a lot for me. I just hope it's not too much."

She gave into her tears and ceased speaking. He was a bit shocked. Tony had not considered any of that, but how could he? He realized that his wife was suffering too, that she had suffered. He was not the only casualty of this situation. She looked so small and had just been so open, so vulnerable with him. "I'm sorry, sweetheart." He took her in his arms and held her close. "It's not too much. I wouldn't take it back. I want you here! I'm sorry."

She was sobbing into his chest. "I just want my husband with me!" Tony buried his face in her hair and just rocked her back and forth. How could he have said that to her? It was cruel now, but it made perfect sense a minute ago. It wasn't true, but it felt more real than anything!

He and Michelle had a slightly awkward morning after that, but she felt understood and he felt a little less afraid. By evening, however, proper perspective had dissolved again in the pool of Tony's pain and shame. He had to get out and told her he was going running. As soon as he was a block from his house, Tony pulled out his phone and turned it off. Everything he was feeling outweighed what he knew was right. It didn't matter to him. Without looking back, Tony began to run. It wasn't too long before he reached his destination. He felt a surge of excitement. Freedom from his pain was just inside. His palms itched.

"Jack, it's Michelle."

"Hey Michelle. What's up?"

"Tony went running about two hours ago and he's not back. He said he'd call after an hour, be he never did. Have you heard from him?"

"No."

"I think he's at a bar, Jack."

Jack was reluctant to agree so quickly, but he felt that it was true.

She sighed "Fuck!"

Jack could hear the tears she was willing to stay inside.

"Michelle, I'll go find him. Don't worry."

"Too late for that, but thank you, Jack." she paused, her silence pregnant. Jack waited, certain she had more to say.

She sighed heavily again. "I don't know what to do." Her voice had thickened.

"That's ok, Michelle." He said gently.

"How is it ok?" she was crying now.

"Because he doesn't know either. He's scared. You'll figure this out together."

"But, Jack, if he keeps this up-"

"Don't go there. Deal with right now. We are going to help him stop running to numbness every time he's in pain and we'll get him through it."

Michelle wanted to believe him. She was so uncertain, so afraid.

"Michelle?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't give up on him yet."

"I won't." She loosed a sob. "I'm just so scared, Jack."

"I know." came his soft reply. "Look, I'll call you when I find him, ok?"

A shaky breath. "Ok."

"Don't worry, Michelle."

She hung up.

Jack put the phone down and went to grab his coat and keys.

Jack headed, first, to the closest bar he knew of by Tony and Michelle's. Since Tony was on foot, he may have passed it on his way home and given in to it's lure. If Tony was not there then Jack would go to the next closest and so on. It was a bit tedious, since he couldn't just look for Tony's car, he had to go into each one, some seedier than others. He hoped that if Tony was drunk he hadn't done anything so stupid as to go home with some stranger. He knew Michelle would not be able to tolerate that. The fear lingered in the shadows of his mind as he searched. After hitting maybe 7 bars, Jack came to the sketchiest one yet, recalling its notorious reputation.

Tony was pretty wasted by the time some guy came up beside him to say 'I know you.' Tony ignored him as the man tried to recall how he recognized Tony. Finally the lightbulb went on and the man let fly the word 'traitor'. Tony told him to f**k off. The man, also not completely sober took offense and chose to make something of it. Soon his inebriated cronies were at his side. This drunk posse needed little or no excuse to vent their alcohol induced aggression. 3 on 1 was reasonable enough to all present and under the influence. One of them, a chubbier man, demanded that some respect be shown to his friend. Tony was in no condition to think this through and find himself and exit. His drunken brain instructed him to do the most intelligent thing; provoke them. It seemed best to him and his rage new no bounds at the moment. Tony told them all to take their ugly faces and go get f**ked. The third guy, middle height and bearded, dared Tony to say that again. Tony gladly delivered. He took one to the gut, recovered himself and lunged at them. He was quickly overwhelmed (not unfamiliar with such a scenario). He fought back violently and intensely, albeit drunkenly and uncoordinated. Soon he was sprawled on the floor. It was not the kind of establishment in which somebody was likely to come to his aid, but unexpectedly the chubby man took a blow to the back of the head and hit the floor, unconscious. The other two began scuffling with someone else. Tony could not even see straight and less so from his position on the floor, but when the 2 men were out cold on the floor, Jack Bauer's face appeared before his eyes.

"You f**king idiot." Was all he heard before he blacked out.

Jack called Michelle as soon as Tony's inert form was settled in his truck.

"Did you find him?"

"Yeah, I've got him."

"Is he ok? Where was he?"

"I found him that bar where they found that body last year. Remember it?"

"Yes." She groaned.

"He was pretty wasted, in the middle of a bar fight. He's out right now. A bloody lip and he'll have some good bruises, but he's ok."

Michelle said nothing. Jack knew that despite her relief, she wanted to kill Tony.

"Michelle, let me take him to my house. He can sleep it off on the couch and you can deal with this tomorrow. I'll bring him back as soon as he's awake. Sound alright?"

He heard her sniff and then sob, "Yeah."

"Ok. Get some sleep. I'll bring him home in the morning."

"Thank you Jack." she said.

"'Good night, Michelle." he told her kindly and hung up.

Jack drove Tony to his house and half carried, half dragged his unconscious friend in, depositing him on the couch. Tony slept soundly until morning.

The next morning Tony shuffled into Jack's kitchen.

"Morning." Jack said as he poured a mug of coffee.

Tony nodded.

Jack handed him the mug. "Drink up. Then I'm taking you home."

Tony said nothing and sipped the coffee.

"Do you remember last night?"

Tony nodded slowly, eyes in his mug.

"Jack I-"

"Don't. It's not me who needs explanations or apologies or whatever. This is between you and Michelle." Jack looked down at the paper spread out on the counter and ignored Tony until he was ready to go.

Tony said nothing. He took a few more sips of coffee and then set it down.

"Let's go."

Jack looked up and nodded.

"Ok." he picked up his keys and Tony followed him out.

Tony felt awful. He was haunted by prison and ashamed to be in the presence of his wife. He'd let her down and he'd let Jack down. What stung the worst is to know that Jack passed no judgement on him. He'd rather Jack had just screamed at him, told him was a bastard he was, anything but the unsolicited kindness. He was afraid to face Michelle. The whole way to his house, neither man spoke. Tony rested his still aching head on the glass and watched the world go past.

Jack dropped him off on the curb. He stood there, feeling like an idiot, looking up at his house as Jack drove away. He went up the walk and into the house. Down the hall and into the kitchen. He found Michelle sitting on a stool at the counter, reading. She looked up at him as she took a sip of coffee. Putting it down, she held his gaze, but said nothing.

He stood awkwardly for a moment. He looked down, up and everywhere else until his eyes once more met hers.

"I'm sorry."

She nodded and then went back to her book.

She did not look at him again and he stood there stupidly another moment.

Finally he realized that she was finished with him and he left to take a shower. Michelle ignored him for the next two days. He knew he deserved it. He'd broken her trust again and she needed time.

Tony had been at the bar on Thursday night and on Sunday morning she spoke to him.

They'd been living side by side for 2 days, but Michelle, as if Tony were not present. For those 2 days Tony did not leave the house. He knew Jack would not let him come over having yet to talk with his wife. He couldn't go running because he was too weak to stay away from bars. It was an agonizing 2 days. She ignored him with no small effort. It hurt and though she was angry, she had to show him that she would not be taken for granted. Sunday morning he cooked breakfast for her. Tony awoke at 6am and at 7am Michelle woke up to the smell of bacon, eggs, juice, coffee and toast. She opened her eyes and saw the breakfast arranged neatly on a tray on the night stand. Tony was not there. Michelle had decided the previous night that she would talk to Tony today. This made it easier. He was clearly ready to talk. She ate, drank and thought of what she would say to him.

After she got up and got ready she found him sitting at the table, staring at his hands folded out in front of him. She pulled out a chair and sat down. He didn't look at her.

"Tony."

He raised his eyes to hers.

"What do I have to do?"

He looked down again.

"Look at me."

He did.

"I have to do it." He said clearly, contradicting his no confidence countenance.

"Then what do you have to do to be able to go running and release, to visit Jack, to love me, to live without turning straight to numbness? How can you deal with this pain?"

He sighed.

"Talk to me, Tony."

"I don't know!"

She held his gaze.

"I mean I-... I just-... I want to run, but I don't know how to stop myself..I want to drink myself numb so badly! I love you! I don't know what to do!"

"What can you do?"

"Stay here."

"Stop it."

He looked up at her. She would not tolerate his self pity. That's what made him drink.

He was silent for a minute.

He gave a shuddered sigh.

"I'll help you, Tony, but you have to help me."

He nodded.

"I'm afraid." He whispered.

"So am I, Tony. ...but I love you too much to give up so easy. We can do this. Do you believe that?"

Silence.

"Do you?"

Quietly, "Yes."

"Then can you be open with me? Because you go over to Jack's and hide from me. Tony, I know what happened to you and I'm still here. Why hide? Just talk to me!"

He said nothing.

"Next time you feel the way you did the other night can't you just talk to me? Give me a shot? I already know, but you've got to be open with me, Tony."

She held his gaze intently. "Please, Tony. I'm begging you. I don't want to lose you. You're the best thing that ever happened to me."

His eyes filled and the tears fell silently, but he did not look away.

"Will you do that for me?"

"Yes. I will."

"Step one, Tony." She smiled encouragingly. "That's where we start."

He nodded, wiping his tears.

"One more thing."

"Anything."

"Keep your phone ON while you're out running."

He nodded.

"I don't disappear just because I can't be your conscience."

He smiled and then looked down ashamed.

He looked back up. "Michelle, I'm so sorry."

"I know."

She reached across the table, covering his hands with her own. "We start again now."

He nodded.

"Thank you."

The next evening Tony was pacing back and forth in his bed room, fighting himself. He wanted to hide from her and run to Jack, run to drink, but he had to keep his promise to her. She loved him, she was not disgusted. He had to tell himself he was a man, that he was good enough for her. If he wanted to keep her he had to open up to her no matter how it hurt. He did once, why couldn't he do it again? He couldn't fool her anyway, only pushed her away. Michelle or no Michelle? She had pulled him out of himself once before. He loved her. She was all of his best memories. He loved her. She was the smiling face down on the floor at CTU when he stole a glance. He loved her. She was in the next room. He loved her. She was his wife. He loved her. Michelle was his and he loved her. He was going to show her. Suddenly he felt constricted so he kicked off his shoes and left the room barefoot.

"Michelle?" He said coming around the corner.

She was sitting at the desktop. "Yeah?"

She spun the swivel chair to face his entry.

He grabbed a nearby chair and pulled it over. Sitting down directly in front of her, he took her hands in his and looked her straight in the eyes.

His voice shook. "I'll never be anything more than a traitor and a b**ch."

They regarded each other. His big, brown eyes searching hers painfully.

Michelle then took the back of his head and gently pulled him to her.

He inhaled deeply and harshly and then broke into wracking sobs.

She held him and whispered "That's not true."

"Yes it is!" through his muffled sobs.

She whispered to him again, "You are my husband, you will be a father to our children someday."

He choked with grief and cried out.

"You're Jack's best friend. You are your mother's son. You are your sister's hero."

She shook with the force of his wrenching sobbing. "You're a lot more than that."

He sucked in air with desperation and spat it back out as it if burned his lungs.

"You're a lot more to me. And you're man enough to look me in the eyes even though you feel ashamed."

She didn't let go.


	9. Chapter 8 Tony's POV

_Tony's POV: A Progression and overview: From after Tony confides in Michelle up to... you'll see : )_

She has every faith in me, but I don't. Not for the last few months, anyway. She doesn't doubt for an instant that I can, if I choose to, maintain this relationship. That I can love her, be there, have no secrets, even, eventually, be a good father. She does not doubt that I can, only, maybe, that I will. Me though, I doubt everything. It can't be that simple. Yet, everyday, I get up and go on living despite myself. She knows that and still she looks at me like I'm a hero, her hero. I hate that, but I love her.

I haven't let her down. I made a promise and I've kept it. I love her and so that's what I've done. I've loved her. She knows my past, my insecurities, my fears, my joys and my hopes. Yes, I still have those. I, in turn, know hers. Now, though, it's different. I knew this time would come. I want to be happy about it, happy like she is, but I am so afraid. How can I tell her? Can she understand my terror, this weight of hopelessness I feel? I don't want to shut her out. I know she won't doubt me, but can she cure my lack of faith? Nobody takes me more seriously than my wife and nobody understands me as much. I'd be dead if not for her. So, why am I worried, afraid? I know why I doubt myself, but her? She's my wife. She knows me, loves me and I promised her.

"Why?" She asks me so sincerely. She knows. Why does she make me explain? My heart was broken. Worse than that, it was reshaped.  
>"You know why." I say.<br>"I want to hear you say it."  
>This angers me. "Just to remind myself?" I find that I'm raising my voice at her.<br>She is unintimidated. "So you can hear how stupid it is."  
>"I can't!" I shout.<br>"Why can't you?" Her voice is controlled, compassionate.  
>"Because I'm nothing! I can't be anything to this baby." I suddenly respond in a harsh whisper.<br>She just looks at me. I wish she'd stop.  
>"That's a lie, Tony. How can you believe such an obvious lie? I've always known you to be more sensible."<br>I want to laugh, but for the tears suddenly burning in my eyes. Once again, the shame is almost unbearable. How can she even look at me?  
>"You are something to me. You already are something to this baby."<br>She puts her arms around me.  
>I cry, though I try not to. "They made me nothing."<br>She whispers. "And yet, ...you prove that's not true every second of everyday."  
>I hold onto her. I know she's right, but I can't feel it.<p>

I am half of everything to this little person in my arms. This little thing with a shock of black hair. The other half is sleeping in the bed, exhausted from bringing him into the world. His black eyes stare up at nothing in particular and his whole hand is wrapped around my finger. I love him. I can't understand or believe just how much. I'm his father. I look over at my wife. I also love her. I am her husband. I am happy man.


	10. Chapter 9 Life Anew

**The last bit took us forward a little. I'm gonna jump back here so I hope it's all still coherent. We'll catch up to where Tony's POV left off soon enough... **** Thanks for reading and for reviewing! I hope you continue to enjoy it. :)**

...

And so life had begun again. It was a struggle in so many ways, but it was the brutal privilege of being human* and Tony & Michelle were happy. Good days and bad days, joy and pain, but always moving forward, upward. The scars would always be seared across his heart, and at times would itch, but the wounds healed. There were moments when Tony doubted himself as a man, as Michelle's husband and eventually as a father, but Michelle was always stepped into the dark and pulled him back to the truth; the only obstacle in his life was unfounded fear and doubt. He did his part; he let her. He would wake up and let her comfort him. He would doubt himself but let her trust him. When she would blame herself Tony would assure her she was worth every little sacrifice. "We did what we had to do. Now it's over." He would always tell her. That was the fact of it.

Tony woke up to the sound of retching. When the sound finally cleared through the fog of sleepiness, Tony sat up abruptly. The sun was dull through the shades.

"Michelle?"

In response there was a pathetic moan from the bathroom.

He got out of bed quickly and found Michelle hunched over the toilet bowl.

"Hi." She said in a pathetic voice. "I think I'm done." Then she spit into the bowl.

Tony filled a cup of water and knelt down next to her. "Here." he said, pushing the hair out of her face and handing her the cup.

He felt her head as she sipped the water. "You're not hot. What did we eat last night?"

"I'm pregnant, Tony." She said dead pan.

His eyes widened. "No way!"

"Yes way."

Tony started laughing. Then he picked Michelle up and carried her to the bed. He tucked her in and kissed her saying "Go back to sleep, my love."

"You are ridiculous." She mumbled as she nuzzled herself into the blankets.

"When did you find out?" He whispered very closely to her almost concealed face.

She smiled. Even though her eyes were closed she could tell how close Tony's face was to hers. He was breathing on her as he spoke.

"Yesterday. I was going to tell you in a special way today, but I gave up when you walked into the the bathroom."

"Well, that was pretty special." He laughed and then kissed her one more time. Then he left the bedroom, closing the door behind him.

Tony soon became filled with a fear that Michelle did not leave unchallenged. That was something he appreciated dearly about Michelle. Her ability to help him see things clearly. She loved her husband and was totally supportive of him though his internal struggles, but sometimes she would let his doubt get to her. There were moments when she feared that Tony would just run away and she would be left a single mother. She convinced herself that it was the hormones talking. Still, it upset her more than anything. It got to the point once, where she needed to express it to him and she did. Tony was crushed by her doubt and they didn't speak for almost 2 days. He thought about her words constantly until he finally understood. There were countless times where he said he couldn't do this, that he was nothing. It was only reasonable that his oft-expressed doubt would eventually wear at his wife. Michelle and Tony, for the sake of their marriage's survival, had made themselves vulnerable and shared a rare channel of totally open communication. Michelle's admission of doubt closed that channel. More accurately, Tony had closed it out of feeling hurt. To prove to her that he did not want that channel closed permanently, Tony took his wife to the beach where he had proposed to her and there they sat until the sun set over the Pacific. He told her that he would never leave. It was because she believed in him that he came to believe again. He reminded her that she was the one who had been right all along. Any fear and doubt was born in Tony's heart and that is where it stayed. It didn't exist in the reality of their relationship. In the solitude and trust of their tiny universe against the cosmos that the ocean appeared to be, Michelle took her long overdue turn to bear her soul. All the pain and all the fear. All the joy and all the contentment. Sitting in the sand with his newly pregnant wife, Tony held her while she wept and listened to everything she said. He owed this to her and it was his way of reaching out. It was his word of love and assurance that he was speaking to her, this night on the beach.

Around the same time that Michelle became pregnant, the two of them had begun steady plans for a security consulting company that they would run together. Tony had begun a couple of months after prison in the wake of denied application after denied application, but his planning and research were inconsistent and because of what was going on inside him he found it difficult to stay motivated. As he grew stronger from his struggles and found better ways to cope, Michelle and he got started on plans again. Michelle had no reason to stay at CTU anymore. Although she tried to deny it to herself, she now harbored a grudge against the government and no longer wanted to be employed by it. Neither had she ever recovered her love for the job after Tony's conviction and the subsequent events. By the time Michelle was 6 months pregnant, she and Tony had their business up and running. It was so perfect. They got to work from home and they got to work together. It was like their CTU days, but without the drama and the strain. The Almeidas invited Jack to join them, as a friend and as a fantastic asset to the budding business. Having been fired from CTU, he agreed. At present Jack was living on severance and spending lots of time with Kim, Chase and Angela. He wanted to stay close to his family and was now offered a safe job that still required his expertise. Not only that, but he would be working with his two closest friends. The entire situation for all involved was nothing less than ideal.

Not one of them forgot the fact that circumstances and they themselves were incredibly fortunate.

*_"The brutal privilege of being human." is a quote from Torey Hayden in one of my favorite books, "Murphey's Boy"._


	11. Chapter 10

_starts 4 months before the baby is born..._

Running past the usual places was getting boring so Tony peeled off down a road he had not taken before. Houses, trees, empty lot, more houses. It was hotter than hell and he was quickly getting tired, but still far from his house. More houses went by and then a church. St. Joseph's. It was Catholic. That was familiar enough because he grew up catholic, and it would be cool inside. He stopped running and walked to the door. The vestibule was cool. He went into the church. Cool and quiet. Perfect. Out of old habit he blessed himself with holy water and went to sit down in a pew. He looked around at all the old familiar things from his own church growing up in Chicago. Crucifix, Tabernacle, stations, etc. Tony didn't practice his faith anymore, but his sister and mother did. College sort a took it out of him and the military didn't help. He sat for a while until he felt ready to face the heat again and got up to leave.

For the next few days he took a different route. Running was his therapy. It was his outlet and soon enough it became his delight. He stayed fit and healthy (which Michelle was happy about). He could sweat out his fear or anger, etc. Air rushing past him, the rhythmic sound of his feet hitting the ground, and the physical exertion were what Tony came to love. Michelle worked very hard to keep Tony from the darkness. Tony in his turn fought hard to trust in the man that she knew he was, the man that had never disappeared in the first place. On a mid day run he took the turn back down the street that St. Joseph's church was on and decided to repeat the pleasant experience; a break in a cool, dark, familiar place. The next day Tony did it again and soon it became his little custom. A brief, cool retreat every day.

After a few times of sitting in the empty church, something happened. Tony was sitting there thinking about Michelle, the baby, and how life would be. Then, suddenly, his wandering thoughts faded. Inside him was something else. There were no thoughts at all. He didn't hear a voice, he felt no comfort, but in his heart there was a stillness. He had been dying for this! Was it the place? Or just the moment? Peace. Tony Almeida felt some peace. It wasn't happiness or fireworks, just a stillness that felt so good. He stayed there enjoying the new experience until he looked at his watch. It was time to get back. Tony ran back home in record time, feeling refreshed. Usually after a run, he felt motivated to be a good husband, to live his life, to overcome his past. This was the first time Tony felt as though he'd been given a cool glass of water to sustain that fight.

The next day on his run he knew he had to go back there. Tony wanted that peace so badly. Something, He didn't know what it was, but he didn't think he could live without it now. Day after day he went to sit in the stillness that comforted his broken soul. He would run to St. Joseph's and spend a long time doing nothing but sitting there in the cool silence. For the first time since before he went to prison Tony could close his eyes and nothing would move behind them. It was safe inside his mind again.

Toward the end of the 3rd week since the stillness began Tony began to feel something inside the empty space. It was strange, but he felt it in his heart. A new thought then came into his brain. He didn't believe anymore. Did he? He hadn't even considered it since he was in his early 20's. So, that day, Tony sat there for a long long time. Silent questions and silent answers. Michelle asked him what had taken him so long. He said he had been sitting and thinking. That was true. Why didn't he tell her where he went? Tony didn't know, but it was totally innocent so he didn't lose sleep over it. He knew he would tell her about it, but for now, it was just his.

After the day the faith question arose, Tony stopped going there for a while. However, he could not stay away too long. Soon, he was back again sitting, this time, in the first pew. On this occasion something disturbing happened to him. His heart began to ache inside him, like when Michelle would visit him in prison. It was longing. He wanted something, something he had long ago but no more. His heart was pulling towards it. Abruptly Tony got up and left. Every day after that he went back and his mind returned to the usual uneventful silence that was now his companion.

Happiness had sprouted out of the ashes of Tony and Michelle's life. It had been struggle and survival for so many months and the two of them had grown accustomed to it. Amidst that struggle the true nature of their relationship became clear. There was so much love, so much giving, and so much trust. The happiness each of them felt and the affection they shared felt like such a phenomenal gift to them now. They had passed the test and life began anew. The baby was on the way and despite Tony's prior fears, he was elated. He was a father and soon enough he would meet his hidden child. His wife was a mother! The mother of his baby! Michelle was the most beautiful pregnant woman in the universe and he told her. Every day. Multiple times. Sometimes she would get annoyed because she felt like a whale and then she would cry. Tony couldn't help but laugh when she cried over ridiculous things. Though it seemed heartless to laugh at her expense, she always ended up in his arms, dissolved in tearful laughter. "You're crazy." He would always tell her. "It's your fault." She would always respond. True enough.

They were very indecisive about whether they wanted to know the baby's sex. On some days Tony wanted to know so badly and the next he wanted a surprise. One minute Michelle wanted to know and then the next minute she didn't. Picking a name for a boy was very easy. Michelle had always loved the name Thomas and Tony wanted to use his late father's name; Jose. They were agreed, so Jose Thomas Almeida was set for their first born son, if they had one. The catalyst that decided to find out was that they had become so annoyed with being unable to agree on a girl's name they both liked that it compelled them to find out the sex of the baby. That way they could either not worry about it anymore or be forced to decide on a girl's name.

Husband and wife were lying in bed the night after learning that their baby was their baby boy. Michelle and Tony had ceases speaking some minutes ago when out of the blue Tony began singing at the top of his lungs into the darkness to the tune of the national anthem. "Joo-oh-se, can you seeeeeee? By the dawn's early light! That your moooother is so so so bea-u-ti-ful! She makes me so happy!..."

Michelle thought she would go into labor from the surprise since she was just beginning to doze, but then began laughing and laughing. Tony's inability to contain his happiness was one of her favorite things about him. When she said yes to his marriage proposal on the beach, he ran into the ocean and then came back out, picked Michelle up and threw her in with him. She would have told him she changed her mind, but she was too busy laughing and screaming.

Tony continued his song. "When you are born we will be so glad and I know you can here my song nooooow!"

"Thanks, Tony. Now he's kicking. You totally just woke him up."

Tony propped himself up and whispered to Michelle's stomach "Jose, your mom is a party pooper."

Michelle lightly punched Tony's arm and then spoke the her unborn son. "And daddy likes to scream in bed for no reason."

Tony started laughing and fell onto his back. His laughter soon faded and he became quiet.

Michelle, knowing him as well as she did, could sense his sudden reflective mood. "What are you thinking about?" She asked him.

Tony sighed. "I wish I could give him a life without a traitor for a father."

Michelle spoke quietly. "He and I are here because you are a so called traitor."

Tony sighed. "I know." Then he smiled to himself. Despite it all, he would not take it back. He took her hand. "It was all worth it." Michelle leaned over and kissed him.

One afternoon Tony was sitting in the church, looking around, closing his eyes, just enjoying the peace and quiet, when he began to feel uncomfortable. Thoughts began to flood into his head and memories of his life and things he had done and not done, what he had been through and what he had put others through. He felt guilt. He felt need. He felt broken. He knew he'd been through a lot, but he wanted to be whole! This was different. Right there in that church he felt a wash of something he didn't have, something not right. He wanted it! He wanted to put it right!

That night, it took him forever to fall asleep. He knew what he wanted. He wanted to go back to what he had grown up with. It was apart of his identity and made his family who they were. Tony wanted to be grounded in his roots again, wanted a source for motivation, love, peace and wanted to give something significant to his son. He felt as though he was about to leap off an edge, but felt was sure that he would fly. What did he have to lose from it anyway? It's not as though he couldn't abandon it all if it turned out to be nothing for him.

Michelle was already asleep, but he couldn't help himself.

"Michelle."

"Hm?"

"I'm done coping."

"What?"

"I mean I don't just want to survive. I want to be fully alive."

"Sounds good to me." came a sleepy reply.

He laughed. "Seriously."

"I'm serious." She mumbled.

"I'll talk about it tomorrow" he said and threw a pillow on her head.

She didn't remove it.

"I love you too." He said to his slumbering wife.

He didn't understand what he wanted, but was not concerned. It was unfolding.

The next morning Tony wanted to get to the earliest mass, and see the priest after. He left a note for Michelle saying he wanted to go for a long run early and that he'd be back. He hoped she wouldn't find that weird or reason to worry. He ran as fast as he could to St. Joseph's and was early for the 6:30 am mass. He sat in the back and felt awkward. Every time he'd come here, the church was empty, but now he felt like just a sweaty stranger in the back which he was, but not unwelcome. After mass the priest went into the confessional. The old ladies began the rosary just like they did at his church when Tony was a kid. He watched a few people line up for confession and wanted to wait and go last. The rosary ended and the last person went to confession around the same time. Although no one was watching him, Tony felt very self conscious as he headed for the confessional. Entering the little dark room, he shut the door behind him and knelt down.

He could hear the priest on the other side of the screen speak the sign of the cross.

Tony hesitated.

"Father, I don't remember what to do." He felt like a fool.

The priests voice was kind. "There is so much joy at those words." Tony was surprised by this comment and felt slightly at ease because of it.

"When was your last confession?" The priest asked. Tony could hear a slightly Mexican accent.

Tony told him it was in college and then priest asked him what he wanted to confess. It started awkwardly, but then the thoughts began to flow freely. He confessed everything he could think of and bore his soul. All that he did and didn't do in college and after. His days in the military, the hate and anger that burned in his so many times. He talked about his relationship with Nina, the times he lied and did things for the sake of the job. He told the priest everything that happened in prison, what had happened since. Everything between him and his wife, his drinking, his desire to drink. When he had finished the priest said it had been a good confession and asked him "Do you remember the act of contrition?"

"No."

"Ok. Repeat after me."

Tony spoke each phrase of the prayer as the priest did. His penance was to say 1 sincere "Our Father". The priest gave him absolution and Tony bowed his head when the sign of the cross was made in secret over him. His heart was bursting and he felt so light that he couldn't wipe a smile off of his face.

Before he got up to leave the priest asked if Tony would stay and talk to him in the church for a little while. He agreed. He was flying high. So Tony went and said his prayer. He spoke to the God for what felt like the first time.

"Thank you." He whispered as tears fell from his eyes. He was so happy.

The priest came out of the confessional shortly after and sat down next to Tony. He put out his hand. "Father Justin Reyes."

"Tony Almeida." He said, shaking his hand. The man couldn't be more than 30. It was very clear, now that Tony could see him, that the priest was definitely Mexican. Brown skin, brown eyes, black hair and not very tall.

He wanted instruct and challenge Tony on entering a new life as man of God and what that meant for him. He asked if his wife, Michelle, was religious and Tony said no. They talked a long time. Fr. Justin told Tony if he ever needed anything he would be happy to talk to him. He would gladly be a spiritual advisor for him, even a friend. Tony liked that very much and accepted the offer. He asked Tony if he had any more questions. There were a few, but one that worried him most. He told him that he and Michelle were expecting and Father, Justin congratulated him.

"Father, do you know men who've become fathers after...?"

"After they were assaulted?" The priest asked kindly.

"Yeah." Tony whispered.

He nodded. "Sure, Tony, and they are great dads."

Tony nodded pensively.

"You were prepared to be a good father at some point before you went to prison, right?" Fr. Justin asked.

Tony nodded.

"The only thing different now, is that you have doubt because you experienced a trauma. But that's just a feeling. Everything _is_ as it was. You, her, your future together."

Tony was quiet for a moment.

"She was pregnant before I went to prison, but..." He looked down at the kneeler. "She miscarried the night I was convicted. We've never told anyone... just talked about it in letters a few times and when she visited me in jail." Tony closed his eyes. "That was all such a nightmare."

"I'm sorry, Tony."

"It's not your fault..."

"I'll pray for you both."

"Thank you, Father."

"Thank you for coming, Tony. It's a gift for you to come back like this. For all of us. You were led here when the time was right."

"Yeah."

Tony then took out his phone. 5 texts from Michelle. Quickly he texted: "I'm coming now. Sorry."

"I have to go. She's worried."

Father Justin smiled. "With your track record, she's justified."

"Yeah." He said as he stood up. They shook hands and Tony thanked him again. The priest embraced Tony and said "Welcome back, brother." Deeply moved, Tony returned the hug.

As he made to leave, father asked "Will I see you at mass tomorrow?"

"Yes." Tony said. "If it's lifeblood like you say, I need all I can get."

Father Justin smiled. "You've got it already. Goodbye, Tony."

Tony sprinted all the way home. Partially from urgency to assure Michelle and partially that he could not contain himself. For the first time in a long time Tony felt his heart floating in grace.

Stumbling in though the front door he yelled with what breath he had "I'm here! I'm sorry! I'm here!"

She came into the hall to meet him. She had been working at the computer.

"Hi! Sorry!" he said, smiling hugely. He came up and hugged her. "I love you so much!" He kissed her. "You're beautiful and I love you!"

She was laughing. "Where were you?" But he just kept hugging her and kissing her and making her laugh.

"I'm so happy!" He said. "So happy!" and he picked her up and spun around.

"Tony!" She screamed laughingly. "You've lost it!"

"No!" He said, putting her down and taking her face in his hands. "I've gained it! I have everything!"

"Tony. What happened?"

A sheepishness flooded his expression and he went into the kitchen. She followed him. "Tony. That's weird. What?"

He got a glass of water. "Gimme a minute." He said and gulped the whole thing down. Leading her to the kitchen table they both sat down.

"So." He said. "I. Well, so I. hmmm."

She laughed despite her confusion and curiosity. "Spit it out, Tony."

"Ok. Sorry. ...So I went running about 2 months ago and it was really hot out. I went down a new route and there was a church there. I was melting so I went in to get away from the heat. You know, catholic church, my childhood, whatever. It was cool and dark so I sat for a while. But I kept going back. I couldn't seem to stay away. I started feeling safe there and peaceful. I didn't feel ashamed, I didn't feel anything, Michelle!"

She was silent as she listened to his animated explanation. She hadn't seen him so free.

"I wanted that so much! So I kept going and sitting for a while every time I ran. Then yesterday I felt something was wrong and I had to fix it. So I went to the early morning mass today and the priest heard my confession afterwards and uh... I'm gonna be catholic again."

"Ok."

He searched her face. "That's ok with you?"

"Of course, Tony. I mean I would have liked you to tell me what's been going on, but if this is making you happy then it's ok with me."

"Great!"

"Tony, this is unfamiliar to me. You know religion has never been part of my life. So if this changes anything, you better explain."

"Sure. Sure. Of course!"

She smiled. He was like an excited child. He jumped up. "I knew I married you for a reason! I'm going to shower." He kissed her and bounced out of the room.

This was so random to her, but she wasn't upset about it in the least. At least this time Tony's interior secret was a good one.

The next morning Tony ran to the 6:30am mass. Father Justin had a book he wanted to lend him afterwards. As the days went by Tony explained to Michelle a little more of what this meant to his life. It all sounded pretty good to her. The spiritual stuff she didn't question or worry about. If it was helping him, she was all for it. On Sunday he went to mass. Michelle did not join him. He didn't mind. This was new and it was his experience anyway. He would push nothing on her and he knew that her full support was behind him.

Jack was sitting with his head back on the easy chair in Tony's living room. Tony was laying on the couch. It was late and Michelle was already asleep in bed down the hall. Jack had come over for dinner (cooked by Tony) and had been working on business plans with them. The two men had just been watching soccer, but eventually turned off the tv and were now talking.

Tony had told him about his recent reentrance into religion. Jack was not a religious person and could not really relate, but supported Tony completely. In fact, he was happy for him.

"I never thought I'd hear you tell me you were going to be a religious man, Tony."

"Yeah, well I never thought anything that's happened since the day I met you would have happened. Life is... madness."

Jack closed his eyes. "Yeah. It is." He knew it all too well.

They fell silent for a few minutes.

Jack suddlenly remembered something.

"Kim is pregnant!" He said with a big smile.

"Alright!" Tony grinned. "Grampa Jack!"

"I'm a Grampa already." Jack clarified. "An adoptive grandpa. Now I get to be a biological grandpa too."

Tony laughed. "Well then congratulations, biological Grandpa Jack."

"There ya go." Jack said as he closed his eyes again.

Tony chewed a thought for a moment and then shared it with Jack.

"Jack."

"What?" He answered, eyes still closed.

"Now that you're not at CTU anymore and you've sorted things out, have you thought about calling Kate?"

Jack's eyes opened and he looked up at the ceiling. He nodded. "I have."

"...and?" Tony probed.

"I don't know."

"Fair enough." Tony said. "But, your life is not what it was before. Those obstacles and dangers aren't in the picture now."

"I know."

"Think about it."

"I will." Then he changed the subject. "Tony, will Michelle think it's weird if I sleep here all night? I'm too tired to get out of this chair."

"We can find out in the morning. I'm not getting up either."

"So Michelle gets to wake up and find 2 hobos in the living room."

"Yep." Tony mumbled. He was already falling asleep.

"Goodnight."

Jack received an incoherent mumble in response. Tony was sleeping in the next morning.

Tony began seeing Father Justin a few times during the week after morning mass. He usually celebrated the 6:30am mass, but once in a while it was one of the other 2 priests at St. Josephs. Once a week Tony and Fr. Justin would meet up and talk for a long time. Their friendship quickly progressed. Justin Juan Reyes was Mexican American, born and raised in LA. He had 4 brothers, all of them older than him. He was ordained a priest only 2 years ago. Tony soon learned that the priest was a runner as well and they agreed to run together some time. Father Justin typically ran at night. That's when he had time. Tony told him he'd make plans to have him over for dinner some evening so he could meet Michelle. Tony really enjoyed starting his days so early, with excercise and a peaceful time of prayer. He would usually be back by the time Michelle was just waking up and sometimes even before. Especially these days, sleeping in was her m.o. When he got home, he would make coffee and breakfast. He loved starting almost everyday like this and Michelle (especially right now) loved breakfast. It was a perfect arrangement.

One warm morning after the 6:30am, Father Justin invited Tony for coffee on the porch of the rectory. They talked about everything; where they were from, their lives leading up to where they were now. Tony did not understand why it was so easy to talk with this man he barely knew, but Fr. Justin Reyes may have been the most approachable person Tony ever met. Their subject turned to family and the baby and fatherhood.

"Tony, remember how I told you I knew men who became great dads after they'd been assaulted like you were?"

"Of course." Tony said, putting his coffee mug down.

"One of them is my older brother, Andres."

Tony looked at him. "Your brother?"

He nodded. It happened when he was 25, a grown man. He was married at the time too and she was pregnant with their first child. He left his wife for 4 months before he got it together. He wanted to kill himself."

"How did it happen?" Tony asked quietly.

Just as quietly, Fr. Justin responded. "He was driving through Nevada in the middle of the night, trying to get back from a friend's funeral in Denver. Let's just say that truck stops in the middle of nowhere Nevada at 3AM aren't the safest or most populated areas. Especially when you're a young hispanic man surrounded by a gang of drunk redneck thugs."

Tony nodded solemnly.

"How did you find out?"

"My brother and I are close." he said. "He stayed with me & I didn't leave him alone when he separated from my sister in law. He left as soon as he got out of the hospital. All of us thought he had just been mugged and beaten savagely and that was all true, but I finally got the rest out of him. The part that made him feel like he couldn't be a husband and father anymore."

"How many kids does he have now?" Tony asked.

"3 boys, 3 girls. He's 41 now. He and my sister-in-law are very happy. Their youngest is named after me and he's my godson." He said this last part with a proud smile.

"Thank you for telling me that, Father."

"I'm only telling you for your sake. That's not for anyone else."

"I understand." Tony said.

"Thank you."

Tonight Michelle was not home. She and an old friend from district were out for dinner. So Jack & Tony were living it up doing nothing. Their favorite. They ordered pizza which was something neither one of them had done in a long time. Michelle had never been much of a pizza fan, but Tony was from Chicago. So they got everything on it. They ate and and watched whatever sporting event they could find on tv. This particular night it happened to be fishing. As boring as it was neither one of them found the motivation to change the channel. It was strangely fascinating. Neither Tony or Jack disliked fishing, but watching other people fish on tv was an entirely different thing. Eventually they turned it off. When it seemed as though sleep would soon come to the man in the chair and the man on the couch, Tony spoke to the silent room.

"My conviction killed my first child."

"What?" Jack said opening his eyes and looking over at his friend.

"Michelle was pregnant. 1 month along. She miscarried the night of my conviction."

"I'm sorry, Tony."

"It's not your fault. I didn't find out until she came to visit me the second time. She couldn't tell me on her first visit."

Tony closed his eyes, but when they opened again, he smiled faintly. "We get a second chance... At everything."

Both men fell silent again. Tony, because he had nothing else to say, and Jack, because he thought his voice had just sunk in the ocean. He breathed words into the air that were buried so deep under the sludge beneath his heart that it was agony for them to be unearthed, Yet Tony's words had done just that. Tony had never known about this one.

"Teri..." Jack said, but choked on his words.

Tony's eyes shot to Jack. He never talked about Teri.

Jack tried again. "She-". Again he choked on his words, but vomited them back out in sobs.

Tony did not move, but let Jack clear out his soul for a few minutes. He had never seen Jack break down like this. Jack brought his knees up to his chest, covered his head with his hands and let it all out. It took him a while for his sobs to turn to sputtering coughs and those to turn to steady breathing. Finally, Tony ventured very softly. "Do you want to tell me, Jack?"

"Teri" He inhaled deeply. "told me she was pregnant... The day she was murdered."

Tony's heart sank. Teri's death became more cataclysmic for Jack than Tony already knew it to be.

His words were insufficient but he said them anyway. "I'm sorry, Jack."

Tears fell freely from Jack's eyes again. "So I'm saying..." He wiped them, but they were quickly replaced. "that I understand."

Tony nodded. It took a hell of a lot for Jack to rip out his own secret horror for the sake of solidarity with his friend. The significance of the deed was not lost on Tony.

"Thank you, Jack." He said and he meant it.

"Michelle," Tony said while they were having dinner at the kitchen table.

"I want our son to be baptized."

Michelle was about to take a sip of water from her glass, but stopped and stared blankly at Tony. He waited for a response.

Suddenly she tipped her glass slightly so that a little amount of water fell onto her (very) pregnant stomach.

"Done." she said.

Tony's face broke into a smile and so did hers. He picked up a piece of food and chucked it at her. "You're a jerk." He said with a laugh.

"But you love me for it."

"Yes, I do."

"All joking aside." Michelle said. " As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing to lose and I'm open to your faith and you passing it to our son. So that's fine with me. We both have gifts to give our children."

"He'll also be bilingual thanks to me." Tony added, patting himself on the back. Michelle rolled her eyes. "As glad as I am for that, I cannot indulge that sentiment. ...I guess he's going to be a religious pluralist then too?"

Tony looked puzzled.

"A Catholic and a Chicago Cubs fan." She clarified.

"Oh. Well, that _was_ my condition for marriage; Our kids would be raised a Cubs fans."

Michelle just started laughing. "That sounds so absurd. 'raised a cubs fan'? Like being 'raised catholic' or 'raised jewish'?... And what if he decides he doesn't like the Cubs or even baseball?"

"That won't happen."

"Why not?"

"Because he'll know that he will be disowned if he isn't a Cubs fan."

Michelle stood up to take her plate to the sink. As she passed Tony's chair she poured the little remaining water in her glass onto his head.

"Oh!" Tony shouted in surprise. Michelle was out of his reach just in time.

So days were ideal. Jack, Michelle, and Tony working together to get their fledgling business off the ground. Tony plunged into the work. He loved doing what he was good at again and along side his wife again. Michelle was getting closer and closer to due date. Tony was becoming slightly ridiculous. He would jump out of his chair if she so much as rubbed her back after standing up. She would have to assure him that she was not in labor. Jack, if he was present and lately he was often, would look on with amusement and roll his eyes. But the day did finally arrive.

Michelle's water broke in the mid afternoon. Jack was over at the house doing some work on the computers with Michelle. Tony had just run out for another office supply that they needed. She was in the kitchen pouring a cup of tea when it happened. Jack was typing away in the Almeida's designated work room when Michelle called his name. "Jack!"

"Yeah?" He called.

"Please call Tony right now." She said as calmly as possible.

This time Jack registered the note of urgency in her tone. He had heard that tone once before in his adult life.

"What would you like me to tell him?" He asked knowingly as he withdrew his phone from his pocket.

"Just do it Jack!"

"Ok." He said as he came into the kitchen. Michelle was now sitting at the table with her hand on her stomach.

"Tony?... Michelle needs you to come home right now... Yes, but she didn't say that... Ok." Jack put his phone away and went back to the room. "He's down the street and on his way. How do you feel?"

"Like I have some time, but you know..."

He began to answer, but then thought better of it.

Jack was excited and it wasn't even his wife.

"I'll go get the car."

"Ok." She said and got up to find her bag.

Jack was getting out of the car he'd just pulled out of the garage when Tony came speeding up the driveway.

"Jose's coming!" Tony shouted as he ran toward the house.

"Jose?"

"You're not supposed to know that!" as the door slammed behind him. Jack laughed.

"Baby! How do you feel?" He said, taking her bag as she was coming down the hall.

"Fine. Let's just get going before I don't feel fine anymore."

"Yeah. Ok." He said hastily and opened the door for her.

Jack was standing with the passenger door open for Michelle.

"You're coming right?" Tony asked after Jack shut her door.

"No, I'd rather not."

"Get in the car, Jack. I've never done this before."

Jack smiled appreciatively and obeyed.

Tony was in an absurd state of nervous glee. Jack was perfectly calm and Michelle was calm, all things considered. Michelle was ok with Tony being Tony, but also very glad that Jack, calm and cool, was in the back seat.

The labor lasted 3 hours and even Michelle commented that Tony seemed more worn out from the experience than she was. At least emotionally. But both parents were so happy. Jose Thomas Almeida had finally arrived. Michelle and Tony were so happy. Life had just begun for a more than just Jose. When Tony placed him in Michelle's arms for the first time, she actually cried. He was so beautiful and not so long ago she believed she and Tony would never get to have children, let alone be together. She kissed the baby and held him for a few minutes, telling him who she was and who Tony was. Then she gave him to her husband to show to Jack. Jose was 9 lbs. even and was born with a full head of downy black hair. He was a big boy and Jack found him so cute that he could not help but chuckle. When he eventually placed his son back in his mother's arms, Tony was beaming. Jose's arrival had at once dissipated anything negative in the world universe. His life couldn't be more perfect.

**That evening Michelle fell asleep, but Tony sat in the chair gazing at his new baby boy. His whole hand wrapped around Tony's index finger and his dark, tired little eyes searched for nothing in particular. Tony spoke to him a soft low voice. He told him about his mother and he told him how much he loved him.**

**"Everything I have is yours." Tony whispered.**

**Tony promised Jose that he would never have to be afraid as long as he was his father. Then he looked up at his sleeping wife and smiled. Finally he had to obey his body demanding to sleep and placed Jose in the basinet. By now the baby was slumbering. Tony then settled into the uncomfortable hospital chair and quickly fell asleep.**


	12. Chapter 11

He was crying again.

Inside of his head, Tony begged his little son to fall asleep again. The bed moved as Michelle began to get out yp, but Tony put his hand on her arm.

"No. I got him this time."

She needed no more encouragement and immediately lay back down. Seconds later Michelle was snoring.

Tony dragged himself out of bed. It wasn't so bad once he was standing. Getting to that position was the hard part.

Quietly he padded barefoot across the hall. "It's ok, bud." His sleepy voice soothed as he reached into the crib. He picked up his baby boy, cradled him in his arms and began walking around the small room, rocking him. "Jose, what's wrong? Mommy just fed you, little man." Tony softly said..

It took a while before Jose fell asleep again. Usually he fell back asleep quickly. That was a small consolation when both Michelle and Tony knew he would most likely wake up an hour later. Tony was at least grateful that his son did not possess the horrible quality of waking up while being placed back in his crib. An exhausted and proud father, Tony went back to bed, greedily willing sleep to come again. It did but morning was not far off.

In that brief period before dawn, Tony had an unusual dream. It was not a typical, convoluted dream, but simply a memory: _He was in prison._ _Michelle sitting down across from him. The inches of glass in between them like a thousand miles. The tears streaming down her face as she spoke silent words. They entered his soul, though his mind registered no sound. The baby was gone and she was afraid he would be angry that she had not told him on her first visit. He didn't care about that. He cared about her. He could not hold his wife when she needed him most. It was one of the worst moments of his life. Then, he had to leave her alone again. Back to his cell.__ He paced the small space for a while, holding back his tears as best he could. Finally, he sat down, put his face in his hands and cried. When he had finished crying, he found some paper and a pen and wrote to his wife everything he could not say:_

_Michelle,_

_I wish I could have said more to your while you were here today. I can't talk to you like that. It's like we're in a zoo. I thought this would be more personal. I love you. I'm sorry I couldn't be with you that night, or even now. I don't regret what I did to get myself here, but I don't know how to forgive myself for being the cause of us losing our baby. I'm sorry. Please don't think I'm upset at you for not telling me during your first visit. I understand. Everything will be ok, sweetheart._

_ Until I die. _

_Tony_

Tony's eyes opened. The dull ache of an old memory was pulsing in his heart. He stared at the ceiling and then his head fell to the side. There she was. No glass divided them. Tony didn't know why they had to lose their first child, but he knew that every step had brought him here. He had a family. A wife, a son, another child waiting in eternity, his mother, and his adopted brother, Jack.

The room was lit with dawn and he began to wonder why it was so quiet. Right on schedule, Jose's sad cries sounded from across the hall. Tony checked to see if Michelle was stirring. She showed no signs of consciousness, so he lightly rolled from bed and went to retrieve the baby.

"Oh, Jose. Good morning, mi hijo." he whispered, lifting his son out of the crib. "Sshhh. We're gonna let mommy sleep for a few more minutes. Come on little man." Tony walked as quickly and quietly as he could down the hall. As he opened the sliding door to the back porch Jose's cries became angrier. Tony figured Michelle wouldn't hear their, now screaming, son from outside on the porch. "I know, buddy, but we want to let mommy sleep a little longer." Tony walked back and forth bouncing Jose and trying to sooth him. It was to no avail. Jose was hungry and Tony could not solve that problem. Jose verbally punished his father for this until Tony heard a knock on the glass and looked up. Michelle was standing behind the glass with a tired, resigned and amused expression. Tony smiled sheepishly. Michelle beckoned him inside. Tony readily obeyed. "Yay, it's mommy. Just who you wanted." Tony lightly cheered to Jose as he handed him off to Michelle. "I appreciate the effort, Tony." Michelle said and kissed her husband. Then she went back to bed to nurse the baby. Tony looked at the microwave clock. It was too late to make the 6:30 mass so he did the next best thing and went back to bed too.

Lourdes, Tony's mom, had left last week. She came to help out for a while and be there for Jose's baptism. She was a very happy grandma. Michelle had always loved Tony's mom so it was not hard to have her around and she was especially helpful. Lourdes covered Tony with tears and kisses when he told her that he was practicing the faith again. It was nice to share that with her. It was great for Tony and Michelle, because Lourdes would hold Jose for long stretches of time. This allowed for naps and work, etc. He was a fan of his Abuela and she was smitten with her grandson. The baby would almost never cry for her and he fell asleep or listened intently with his small dark eyes searching for her voice. She was constantly speaking in spanish to him. Tony asked Father Justin to be the godfather of Jose. He asked his sister to be the godmother. She readily agreed, but sadly could not make it out to LA for the baptism. Tony knew his sister's prayers were with his son even in her absence. They had a little get together at their house afterwards. This was the first time Michelle met Father Justin. Lourdes, as well as Jack, Chase, Angela and Kim were all there. Kim was now beginning to show in her pregnancy and Chase was a very happy family man. He did miss the field work, but his perspective was good. "Yes, I loved it. But I love my family more." Jack wished he had had that good sense. That evening was great. Kim and Michelle had much to talk about. Lourdes loved Father Justin just because he was a priest and he was hispanic. Tony was pleased that Jack and Fr. J (as Tony was beginning to call him) hit it off. Tony was amused mostly by the random common ground that they shared; their mutual love for motorcycle racing. Both men were essentially retired from the sport. Tony had no idea how they reached that subject, but they had. Father J had been doing it up until he was ordained. After that he just didn't seem wise, but he still kept his bike. Why buy a car? The weather in LA suited the bike fine. Tony was laughing, because he had now known Father J for some months, but had never seen or heard about the motorcycle. "I'm just a surprising dude." He told Tony. Jack had quit racing and riding pretty much all together after Kim was born. His career in the military was really taking off and he had a family. Tony was most pleased, though, that Michelle really enjoyed having Father Justin at the house. She told Tony after he left that night that she was very happy they were friends. Tony was glad to have Kim & Chase around. He never really got to know Chase on the job, but in this personal family party atmosphere he was just a good guy to be around. Tony was glad Kim had a husband like Chase. Having her around was great too. He always felt connected to Kim through Jack. He felt like she was another little sister of his and it came natural to both tease her and protect her. It was very sweet the way Jack had accepted Angela into his heart as his own granddaughter. Tony was impressed. Jack had a big heart and he truly loved the little girl. So did Kimberly. Angela was her child and had been since she was a baby. Tony loved this unlikely group of people. They were bonded and bonding and it was beautiful to him. He was surrounded by love and it amazed him. Twice in his life he truly believed he could never be happy again; Nina and Prison. No more. Happiness was all around and that was the past.

It was a Tuesday morning Tony and Jack were working. Well, Tony was working and Jack was holding the baby. Michelle was back in bed, asleep. Tony took a sip of his coffee. "He smiled!" Jack suddenly exclaimed. "What?" Tony turned around. Jack was holding Jose whose little hand was wrapped around Jack's entire finger. "He smiled." "Can he even do that yet?" Tony asked. "Sure." Jack said, still maintaining a ridiculous expression in order to get the baby to smile. "You're gonna make him cry if you keep up that face." Tony said. "No, he loves it. Look at him." Then to Jose he said "You love your Uncle Jack, don't you. Yes you do." Tony laughed and returned his attention to his work. Jack continued to try an entertain his "nephew". After a few minutes he addressed Tony.

"I met up with Kate two nights ago."

Tony turned around. "How did it go?" he asked, searching Jack's face.

"Surprisingly well."

"Really?"

"Well, I did break her heart and now I come back with a big story... I decided it was best the explain everything to her. The heroin, Mexico. I told her what I'm doing now and how I spend my days... I left it in her hands. We're going to meet again."

"Good, Jack." Tony said sincerely.

"Yeah." He said. "We'll see. I can't imagine it will be easy for her to trust me again."

"If anything," Tony said "She deserved to know the real reason your relationship fell apart."

Jack nodded. "Yeah." Then he looked back down at his adopted nephew. Jose made Jack smile.

"He's so cute, Tony."

"You're tellin' me!" Tony agreed.

"It's kind of freakish saying that because he looks so much like you."

This comment made Tony laugh out loud which startled the baby who he began to cry.

"Good job, you jerk. Making your kid cry." Jack said sarcastically.

"Give him to me." Tony insisted, rolling his eyes at Jack. "Come 'ere, Jose. I'm sorry. Ssshhhh" He said, swaying back and forth with his son. "I know. Daddy's so mean for scaring you. Oooh, it's ok." Thankfully, Jose began to calm again. The vibrations of Tony's voice that the baby felt against his father's chest were comforting.

The next two nights were an anomaly. Jose woke up only once during both nights. The first night Michelle and Tony could not believe it, but by night two, they were just too grateful to even marvel. They slept like babies, or rather exhausted parents. So by the third day they both felt rested for the first time in the weeks since Jose's birth. That night, however, was not restful.

Michelle shot up in bed, confused and frightened. Tony was screaming and the baby was now crying, having been awoken by the horrible sound. Michelle grabbed Tony by the shoulder and took his hand. "Tony! Wake up!" He did, immediately. Tony shot up, kicking off the covers and looking all around with terror in his eyes. "Tony. Tony." Michelle said as she took his face in her hands. "It's ok. It's ok. I'm here. You were dreaming." He was breathing heavily, but he calmed down and swallowed hard. "Oh, thank God!" He exhaled and closed his eyes. "You woke up Jose. I'm going to feed him and try to get him back to sleep. Ok?" He nodded. "Alright."

Thankfully, Jose nursed and fell asleep in the process. Michelle was back in bed in record time. Tony was still awake.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Michelle asked as she lay back down next to her husband.

Tony choked on his words. Yes he wanted to talk about it, but how?

"The assault?" she asked softly.

"Yeah." he whispered.

Michelle simply held his hand.

He did not want to cry, but he knew that he would if he spoke. And he had to speak.

"That hasn't happened in so long." It was a whimper that ended in a sob. "I don't want to go back to sleep." And he was weeping now. "I don't want to go back there!" Now she was holding him. Now he was safe. And then he was sleeping.

When he awoke again, it was because his son was crying. Back to normal.


End file.
